'My kids and I take my husband's ashes everywhere we go'
Out trekking through the local countryside, Lisa Thomson and her nine-year-old son, Caeden, stop to take in the view. To a passer-by there appears to be only two of them – but there’s actually three members of the Thomson family present. As always, in an urn carried by Lisa, is her husband, Alan.
“After Alan died last year, we knew we wanted to take him with us wherever we went,” Lisa explains. “He loved exploring the world, hiking up mountains, heading to the beach, anything that got your blood pumping. It just seems right to take him on family adventures to keep him in our hands as well as our hearts.”
Now Lisa, Caeden, and his two siblings – Khya, 13, and Ashton, 10 – never leave home without him. “It’s ‘keys, wallet, phone, Alan’,” Lisa laughs. “Some people find it weird that we carry his urn with us wherever we go – to the shops, the pub, country walks, camping – but to us it couldn’t be more normal.
“The beach was always one his favourite places, so we take him to Snettisham, Hunstanton and Great Yarmouth. The kids play with Tesha, our dog, while Alan and I watch on.
“On one trip to Great Yarmouth we painted messages to Alan on stones that we threw out to sea. We had the urn in a bag and when we got back to the car I handed it to Khya, saying, ‘Take Dad for me while I put the things away.’ The look on a passer-by’s face was priceless!
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(Paul Marriott)“The kids sometimes fight over whose turn it is to hold dad safely in the back of the car. This Christmas we took him with us to all the parties and get-togethers. Our friends and family never bat an eyelid.
“Sometimes when we ask strangers to take photos of us with the urn and explain what’s inside, it causes some confusion, but that’s understandable.”
Bombshelldiagnosis
Alan passed away almost a year ago, on 9 February 2022, following a gruelling battle with stage-four bowel cancer, aged just 40. He’d received the bombshell diagnosis the previous April, after ignoring some “niggling symptoms” for months, including back pains that he’d put down to driving long distances for his work as a courier company managing director. Scans taken at Kettering General Hospital showed the cancer had spread to his liver and lymph nodes in his neck and he required intensive treatment.
“It was almost impossible to take in that horrific news, but what made it all seem so unbelievable was that just 16 months earlier we’d climbed Ben Nevis with our son Caeden, who we were told at birth would never be able to take a single, unaided step,” Lisa says.
Caeden was born weighing just 1lb 8oz, with severe brain damage. But despite the doctor’s warning not to expect their child to even sit up, his parents refused to give up on him. With the help of specialist physios, the little fighter took his first step just before his third birthday, going from strength to strength after that.
“Alan was always his biggest fan,” Lisa says. “He was there when Caeden took his first steps, cheering wildly – and punched the air when we reached the top of Ben Nevis after 13 hours.”
Caeden’s incredible ascent in August 2020 raised over £22,000 for others less fortunate with cerebral palsy, and earned him a swathe of awards for his bravery. But none of the family knew then that Caeden wouldn’t be the one needing support – it was his dad.
Caeden with his late dad Alan, who enjoyed mountain walking (Daily Record)“We had no idea that while we were celebrating on the top of Ben Nevis and planning our future, the cancer was silently growing and spreading in Alan,” says Lisa. “He tried to hide his chemo and other treatment from the kids, but finally in June, just after Caeden’s eighth birthday, he had no choice but to tell them.
“Caeden, tears streaming down his face, simply said, ‘Dad, I don’t want you to die.’ As always, Alan replied saying we couldn’t give up – together as a family, we’d beat this.”
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Keen astronomers, Lisa and Alan had enjoyed countless evenings stargazing – and had even gave each of their children celestial middle names.
“Ashton’s middle name is Orion, and Caeden’s is Sirius, both visible from the UK, but Khya’s is Aurora for Aurora Borealis, and she was always annoyed that we wouldn’t ever see the Northern Lights,” Lisa says.
“So after his diagnosis, Alan made it his mission to organise an Arctic trip. It gave him a positive focus, something other than just surviving as his body weakened.”
Alan’s speech was starting to fail and on 24 January 2022 – Lisa’s 36th birthday – when his heart began racing at over 170bpm Lisa rushed him back to hospital, fearing he was about to have a heart attack. He was treated for sepsis, then taken into resus.
It was when a palliative care nurse from Macmillan came to speak to Lisa about Alan moving to a hospice that they knew this really was the end.
Lisa recalls, “On 31 January he was moved to the Cynthia Spencer Hospice. Alan had lost so much weight he didn’t want the kids to see him, but the staff knew how to properly care for him, mentally as well as physically. The relentless love the nurses and physios showed us was incredible.”
On 8 February, Lisa was told it was time. “I got into bed and hugged Alan. I sensed his breathing change, and put our wedding song, Love Someone by Jason Mraz, on my phone as he slipped away.”
Alan passed in the early hours of 9 February. Lisa – with Alan’s wedding ring attached to the chain around her neck – went back home to tell their children the news. “The hospice gave me three teddies to give the kids. Khya wailed uncontrollably, while the boys just seemed numb. I knew it would take months, maybe years, for it to actually sink in that their dad was gone.”
Training for adventure
Lisa and the kids have now started training for their Arctic adventure this autumn, with the company Trueways Survival.
“Caeden’s consultant has told us of the risks, so we’ve been prepping him with ice baths,” says Lisa. “We’ll be making snow shelters, sleeping in igloos, perhaps doing ice fishing and hopefully seeing the Northern Lights. Alan will be with us in his urn every step of the way.”
The family will be raising money for the Cynthia Spencer Hospice, to thank them for making Alan’s life as bearable as possible in his final few days.
For more information, go to cynthiaspencer.org.uk
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