'I'm giving daughter same name as friend's stillborn, she says it's insensitive'
A mum-to-be has sparked a debate after revealing how she is giving her daughter the exact same name as her friend's stillborn child. However, she claims she didn't know the late child's name as her friend kept it a secret as part of her mourning process.
Taking to Reddit, the 26-year-old said: "I am currently seven months pregnant and a few weeks ago we found out that we were having a little girl. My husband, 28, and I had already decided on what to name our baby depending on the gender, and upon finding out that she was going to be a girl, we announced that we would name her Adelaide.
"I first heard of this name when I was a kid and thought it was beautiful, and decided that if I ever had a daughter, I would name her Adelaide." But after sharing her baby's name, her friend became closed off and started acting "distant" toward her.
"Throughout my pregnancy I have tried to be sensitive to her feelings, as I knew it was a sore point for her," she added. "Two years ago, she tragically lost her baby girl to a stillbirth. I can’t even begin to imagine how heartbreaking this must have been for her and I made sure I supported her through this devastating loss. Despite her trauma, she has never been anything less than kind and empathetic towards me, up until that day."
A couple of weeks later, the friend confronted her about the name, asking her to change it as she doesn't want it to act as a daily reminder of her late child. She added: "She confronted us, suggesting we change the name of our baby, to which we rebuffed. She kept on trying to convince us, suggesting different names, or saying that Adelaide was too old-fashioned or that it wouldn’t suit our child.
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"We kept on denying to change her name, until eventually my friend started crying and revealed that Adelaide was the name she’d chosen for her stillborn baby. When she was pregnant, she refused to tell anyone her baby’s name, as she wanted it to be a surprise for when she was born. After the stillbirth, she decided she would keep the name to herself because it was personal to her, to which we understood.
"Until recently, no one knew what her baby was going to be called. She claims that, by keeping our name, we are disrespecting the memory of her baby. She said that if I chose the same name then my daughter would be a living reminder of what could have been. I completely understand her grief, but I believe I should have the right to name my own child without being burdened by someone else’s trauma2
Wanting to know whether she's in the wrong in this situation, she has taken to social media to ask users for their thoughts. One user said: "This is difficult because you decided on the name because it was one you love and you didn't choose it despite knowing about the stillborn baby's name. I would say take a look at the relationship you have with this person.
"Is it a relationship you value? Is it a relationship you have put work into and don't want to lose? You will lose this relationship and maybe even some connecting relationships if you keep the name. Which sucks because now she is making that name entirely off limits for anyone who knows her.. but her grief is still very present and no you probably do not understand her grief... you just recognise it's there but that last sentence tells me you do not understand it.
"I honestly, would pick a different name maybe Adalee, or Adaline. But again this goes off of how much trouble you are willing to deal with over the name and if the friendship means anything to you." Another user added: "You're not wrong for choosing that name in the first place, but that's just because you didn't know. Now you do know. Is the name itself really that important to you, or is it just about not being told what to do? Do you care more about an aesthetic decision you made when you were a kid, than your "close" friend's feelings?
A third user said: "I think it’s super weird that your friend didn’t tell anyone the baby name. If she didn’t tell anyone, she can’t be mad when someone else uses the name. And her reaction is super weird. Why not come right out and say 'Hey, that’s what I named my baby?' This weird roundabout thing she did makes it harder for you. If she would have been honest, you likely wouldn’t have continued to consider the name."
If you have been affected by this story, advice and support can be found at the Miscarriage Association. You can call them on 01924 200799 or email [email protected]
If you are pregnant or a new mother and you are in crisis, the provides free, confidential support 24/7 in English and Spanish. Call or text the hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262).
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