'Can't cope with the stress when our kids’ families all descend on us'

20 February 2023 , 22:21

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We love seeing them all of course, but inevitably we end up cooking and cleaning (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman aged 81 and I’m extremely fit for my age. I have no mobility or health issues and feel very fortunate. My husband is 79 and also in good shape.

We have two grown-up ­children in their 40s and four adorable grandchildren.

My problem is, although my husband and I are doing great for our age, our kids don’t seem to accept we are, nevertheless, getting on a bit and find it tiring and quite stressful when they all descend on our house together and stay for days.

We love seeing them all of course, but inevitably we end up cooking and cleaning, and helping with the grandchildren.

I don’t think they’ve really got their heads around how old we actually are or maybe they’re in denial! I’m sure some of it’s our fault for doing so much for them when they were younger, so they love coming home and getting looked after.

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So, I suppose my question is, how can we tell them tactfully that things will have to change so we don’t feel under such pressure when we’re all together? Any ideas?

Coleen says

It’s important to be honest, but I understand it is difficult all round when people have to accept change.

You sound like you’re a close family, which is wonderful, so I do think it’s possible to be truthful in a nice way without upsetting anyone. Because you are doing so great for your age, your kids probably just haven’t thought about the fact you don’t have the same energy as you did.

So, simply explain that while it’s fabulous that you and your husband are both fit and healthy, and you love the family coming to visit, you’re also exhausted when they leave and wondered if you could put your heads together and think of some ways to meet up that involve less work. The bottom line is, everyone has to accept that you’re getting older, and adapt.

And it doesn’t actually have to feel like a negative change. For example, meeting up could involve more time at your kids’ houses, more fun days out, more meeting up for lunch or a walk in the park, and maybe even a holiday together where your kids and grandkids look after you, so you can ­properly relax.

It’s just about thinking of different ways to see each other that don’t put so much pressure on you and your husband.

Coleen Nolan