We chat online but how long should I wait before asking him out on a date?

14 February 2023 , 20:27

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'From what I’ve seen of him in photos and videos, I definitely like what I see - he's very attractive' (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my early thirties and I started online dating this year, encouraged by friends after being single for a long time. I was sceptical about it at first, but I’ve actually got into it and have met someone I like who’s a similar age and, like me, hasn’t been married and doesn’t have kids.

We definitely seem to be on the same wavelength and, from what I’ve seen of him in photos and videos, I definitely like what I see – he’s very attractive.

We’ve been messaging each other for a couple of weeks and I’m keen to suggest a date, but don’t want to come across as desperate or pushy. I’m not sure about the etiquette of online dating, so would love some pointers on how to play it.

I was hoping he’d suggest meeting up, but he hasn’t so far, which makes me worry that he’s not that interested after all. I suppose I’m looking for a bit of reassurance on how it all works and how soon is too soon to meet face-to-face.

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I know he has a busy job and also plays sport which takes up a lot of his free time. Am I overthinking this? Please help!

Coleen says

If you met someone in the old days, it’d probably be in a club or a bar, you’d swap phone numbers and, probably after a couple of calls, you’d arrange to meet for a drink. Online dating is no different really. I’d just take the bull by the horns and say, “Why don’t we meet for a coffee? It would be lovely to chat face-to-face”.

I always think a drink in the evening feels more like a date, but coffee is more low-key, relaxed and there’s less expectation.

The implication is that it’s an opportunity to have a conversation, get to know each other better and see how you get along.

If he’s stalling and making excuses, then cut your losses and move on. You didn’t sign up to a dating site just to chat or find another friend. I think you can also pick up a lot about people on video calls and even work out if there’s any chemistry between you, so that’s probably something to suggest if you haven’t already.

The important thing is, if this one doesn’t work out for whatever reason, don’t let it put you off.

The more you connect with people, the more confidence you’ll gain.

It takes a bit of time to get back into the swing of dating if you’ve been out of the game for a while. Try to have fun with it rather than putting too much pressure on yourself.

Coleen Nolan