'I struggle to get out of

04 March 2024 , 18:12

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A widow has asked Coleen for advice to help cope with her loneliness (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

Sadly I lost my husband of 48 years in May last year when he had an accident during our holiday in Greece. While my son and daughter are wonderful to me, they both work long hours and, obviously, have their own lives to live.

I am so lonely these days, even though I do go out when I can. However, I always have to return to an empty house and it’s a horrible feeling. When my husband was alive, we had a car and would often go out for a drive together, which I enjoyed. Unfortunately, I don’t drive, so those little trips have stopped. Even the house doesn’t take much cleaning now, as it’s just me.

I find it’s a real struggle to get up in the mornings, but I make myself get out of bed and carry on, even though it’s hard. My name is down to have counselling, but it’s taking ages. I hope you can give me some advice that might help me to move forward in my life. I’m 72.

Coleen says

I admire your strength for getting up each day and carrying on. Although it’s clear from your letter how desperately sad you are, you want to move forward and are taking positive steps to do so. The thing about grief is that it’s different for everyone and it doesn’t follow a schedule.

But it’s something you have to go through to heal – you’re hurting because of how much you loved your husband. I’m glad you’re on a waiting list for counselling but, in the meantime, contact Cruse Bereavement Care on 0808 808 1677 or visit cruse.org.uk.

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There may also be some local support groups – why not ask your children to help you search for something? You won’t be judged and I think it would help. I think you need to let your kids know that you’re struggling and what with. Don’t feel like you’re ­bothering them – they’ll want to help.

Loneliness is a crushing feeling, but maybe it’s time to be brave and find out if there are any classes or groups you can join – walking clubs, social groups, art lessons, whatever interests you. It’ll give you a focus and put you in touch with other people. The only other advice I can give you is while you’ll never get over your love for your husband, you will get over the pain in time.

Counselling helped my sister Linda when she lost her husband of 30 years. She still has moments on certain days – like their wedding anniversary – when she wants to be alone, but she did get back to living her life.

It’s been less than a year since your husband died, so be patient. It’s hard to see other people getting back to normal while you’re still hurting, and it can also be hard not to feel guilty for enjoying yourself. But remember what your husband would want for you. He’d want you to be happy.

Coleen Nolan