‘I moved 250 miles away from my husband - it saved our marriage’

15 October 2023 , 06:00

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Walking in the Lakes was therapy for Lucy when the perimenopause hit

Lucy Boulter, 53, is a communication consultant from the West Midlands and happily married to husband Ian, 59. When the perimenopause hit, she feared her symptoms would impact on their relationship – so she took the radical decision to move 250 miles away. Here, she tells her story…

Struggling to do a jigsaw puzzle in my kitchen on Christmas Day 2017, I felt an overwhelming sense of rage. It had been a busy time and usually a puzzle would be a real stress buster for me. But that day I just couldn’t do it and it made me unreasonably furious.

As I sat there, trying to fit the jigsaw pieces together, I thought, “Oh my God, if Ian came in here now and saw the state of me, he’d
think I’d lost the plot.” At 47, I was at the height of perimenopause and I was scared – I didn’t recognise the person I was becoming. Insomnia and brain fog had really taken hold, not to mention these unexpected feelings of fury which came out of nowhere.

I could literally be halfway through a sentence and hit a blank wall, with no clue what I was saying. I used to have a reputation for having a very good memory, and it was truly frightening to lose it for a while.

I missed goodness knows how many birthdays. And one night I completely forgot to feed my neighbour’s cats, which we had arranged only a few days before. They were fine, thank goodness, but the realisation the next day was awful – living creatures (and a dear friend) were depending on me, and I’d simply forgotten every last thought of it.

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It was terrifying because somehow, through it all, I still had to try to run my coaching business and keep my marriage as happy
as it had been for the last 18 years.

Ian and I had met at a wedding and we fell head over heels in love. We’d always been a sociable couple, but when perimenopause
hit I suddenly went from the life and soul of the party to battling my emotions, veering between extreme anxiety and rage – often brought on by struggling to do something simple like that puzzle.

Lucy Boulter with husband Ian

My mental health declined and I became disinterested in life and depressed. That just wasn’t me. I also found myself starting to worry about how what was happening would affect Ian. Was I becoming a woman he wouldn’t recognise? We’ve always been a tight team and have open conversations about everything, so it was inevitable he’d noticed changes in me too and was concerned. That’s when I knew I had to take action and protect him and our relationship from my menopause.

It’s always been in my nature to withdraw a bit when things get tough, so I decided to buy a house in the Lake District, 250 miles from home. I’ve always been a saver, so combined with a new mortgage I could manage it. I didn’t have a particularly strong pension and we don’t have kids, so I thought, “Why not invest in property?” It felt like a sensible way to save for my old age while also having a lifestyle I wanted. Ian was really supportive when I told him of my plan. We love each other and trust each other, but we’re also our own people. We’ve never asked each other for permission to do things and know that we both want to go off by ourselves sometimes.

Moving to the Lake District was the best decision I ever made – hiking and being outdoors saved my soul and became a form
of therapy for me. It’s not how everyone would choose to – or can – spend their menopause, but being in nature and climbing fells was really special – it still is. It might not be conventional or suit everyone, but it worked for us. Menopause is life-changing but I’ve come out the other side and I’m so pleased that I managed that time without causing any damage or pain with Ian. In fact, we’re as happy as ever.

I now have a second wind in life too. I’m co-authoring a book about better communication and impact for women business owners, and I’ve set up a new business.

I still spend time in the Lakes – usually a few weeks – and then come home to Ian. I’ll be away for longer if the weather is nice. We still love each other’s company and every time I’m packing up to go back to our house I’m dizzy with excitement knowing I’m going to see him.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be in the Lake District, but I know I won’t be spending old age alone. Home as a place for me is the Lakes. Home as a person for me is, and always will be, my husband.

Find Lucy on Facebook at facebook.com/thecommunicationcoaches and online at lucyandemma.com

Olivia Devereux-Evans