'My friends are having kids but I'm not sure my boyfriend is The One'

10 October 2023 , 15:32

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Worried girlfriend feels like she's at a crossroads in her life (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my partner for eight years and we’re both 34.

We’re happy, but in lots of ways our relationship hasn’t really moved on. We still live in the same rented flat we’ve lived in for years, we’re not married or engaged, and neither of us ever broaches the subject of having children.

I’m seeing lots of my friends get married, have kids and buy houses, and it’s all left me wondering if he’s “the one” or if we’ve outgrown each other.

How do you know if the person you are with is the love of your life?

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He did ask me to marry him once, but we’d only been dating for a few months, so I said no because it seemed ridiculous at the time. But there was no ill feeling at all and we were really in love.

I feel at a bit of a crossroads now and wonder what’s been stopping us from moving forward – is it me? Is it him? Or is it both of us?

We seem to be just drifting and I’m finding it harder and harder to field all the questions from mates and family about if we want to have a baby and when we’ll tie the knot.

Please advise.

Coleen says

I’m afraid there’s no other way of tackling this except head on – sit down with him and confront all these questions you have. But, what I would caution against is comparing yourself to your mates because what’s right for them might not work for you.

My sister has been with her partner for 48 years and it’s never progressed beyond them being together, and it works for them and they’re very happy. They couldn’t give two hoots what anyone else thinks.

It’s about working out what you want and if you’re both on the same page. If your biological clock is starting to tick and you think having a family might be what you want, then have a ­conversation and find out what his feelings are.

I know you say there were no hard feelings when you turned down his proposal, but I think that kind of rejection can run deep and he’s probably scared of asking again or just assumes it’s not what you want.

The best person to direct all these questions and thoughts at is him. Good luck.

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Coleen Nolan