'My wife knows I want to be a woman but I'm hiding another secret'
Dear Coleen
I need to have a very difficult conversation with my wife and hope you can suggest a way to do it that will cause the least amount of stress.
We have been with each other for more than 20 years. During our entire time together, I have always been honest and upfront with her about wanting to become a woman, and that I want to start taking female hormones at some point.
In terms of our relationship, we haven’t slept together in more than a decade, so there’s no physical intimacy between us and the current situation is that we just share a house. While I was out one night as “Joanne”, I met a great guy and we’ve been seeing each other for almost two months now.
A few nights ago, we slept together for the first time and it was absolutely amazing. I’m at the point where I’d like to ask him to move in with me, but I’m also very worried about how my wife will take the news and what she will say about it. I would appreciate any advice you can give on how to soften the blow.
Coleen says
OK, it’s not clear from your letter whether you want him to move into the home you share with your wife or whether “moving in” together also means you moving out and getting your own place.
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I’m not sure you can soften the blow, but I think the way to approach it is to start by telling her you’ve met a guy you really like and he’s someone you can imagine sharing your life with. This seems like the right time to talk to your wife properly about ending the marriage and think about living arrangements.
It’s about making that break, which is a really hard thing to do because, while you’re not lovers any more, you’re clearly friends and companions, and have come to depend on each other over the past 20 years. So your relationship is based on a lot more than simply living in the same house together.
We’re talking about making a huge change to the most important relationship in your life, so you need to open the conversation, ask her how she feels and what she wants to do, and keep talking. My advice would be to take it slowly, step by step.
If you’ve always been honest with her, I’m sure she’s thought about this scenario, but it doesn’t mean she won’t feel hurt and even scared about how her future will look without you in it. Also, I know this new relationship is exciting, but it’s also early days, so it’s not a bad thing for you to ease into it and get to know each other.
It’s a watershed moment for you and you’re faced with some tough decisions but, ultimately, it’s a good thing if it means you can finally be your true self. Hopefully, it’ll also give your wife the opportunity to move on positively, too.
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