My husband secretly spent our 'rainy-day' savings so now I don’t trust him

01 September 2023 , 12:18

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I hate feeling as if I have no control over our finances (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I’ve lost respect for my husband and feel so sad and upset about it, and also angry he’s kept important things from me.

We’ve been together 15 years and have two children.

I lost my job as a result of the pandemic and I’ve struggled to find a full-time job, although I’ve been able to work on a few projects as a contractor.

We had some savings, which I’ve never touched, thinking it was best to keep hold of them for an even rainier day.

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However, I’ve discovered my husband has been withdrawing money and now there isn’t much of it left.

He said it was to supplement his wages because I wasn’t earning a lot and we had to pay bills and the mortgage.

My problem is, he did it without discussing it with me or even just telling me we had to do it.

I hate being lied to, I hate feeling as if I have no control over our finances and that he’s making decisions for me.

Our relationship never used to be in a mess like this but the past few years have been incredibly stressful.

I keep wondering what else he’s lied about and if I’ll end up like one of those sad people you read about in the paper who’s been conned and lied to by their partner and left with a ton of unpaid bills.

Please help.

Coleen says

You’ve had a stressful few years, but I think it’s worth taking a step back and considering that people handle stress in very different ways.

I think the main problem here is a lack of communication. Let’s assume your husband did what he thought was right in the circumstances because there were bills to be paid and perhaps didn’t want to worry you even more by telling you he had to break into your savings. Maybe he thought he could replace the money.

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The fact is, your rainy day came earlier than you thought. I don’t think you should jump to the conclusion that he is lying about everything, but you do need to have an honest and calm discussion.

Tell him how his decision made you feel and, while he might have done what he did for the right reasons, a marriage should be about being a team and not being afraid to have tough chats.

Be clear that from now on you have to work things out together and be honest with each other.

He didn’t take that money to blow it on a new car or betting on the horses – he did it to keep the family afloat.

Coleen Nolan