Inside the Non-League club who made headlines with cheeky Erling Haaland offer
Hope springs eternal for Ashton United, the Northern Premier League club who tried to sign Erling Haaland on loan last season.
At Hurst Cross, one of the oldest football grounds in the world dating back to 1879, co-chairman Jonathan Sayer attempted to drum up bigger crowds dressed in a 7ft robin costume in the town's market place.
Among Sayer's better decisions was escaping a derisory home defeat by hiding in the shipping container Ashton converted into a store cupboard. And when levels in the giant water tank used to irrigate the pitch were running low, he discovered they had replenished supplies by attaching a hosepipe to the sink tap in the tea bar and left it running for five days.
As a new season kicks off in non-League heartlands, Sayer's account of the pitfalls and pratfalls of running a semi-professional club in Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner's constituency is a glorious chronicle of memorable highs, bitter disappointments and never-ending bills.
Ashton's ground is only six miles up the road from Treble winners Manchester City's Etihad empire, but it's as far away from the Premier League's corporate juggernauts as it's possible to flee. It's also much closer to the game's soul than oil billionaires, desert barons and leveraged debt will ever be.
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The Robins weren't lampooning City or their obscene wealth when they lodged their cheeky loan bid for Haaland during the World Cup hiatus last winter – like Sayer's book, they were poking fun at themselves.
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Non-league side Ashton United attempted to take Erling Haaland on loan last year (Masashi Hara/Getty Images)“In many ways, it made sense,” said 34-year-old Sayer, who took over Ashton as joint owner with his father, David Burke, four years ago. “City were not playing for six weeks and we were offering to keep Haaland fit during the World Cup break.
“When our head of media posted a fun tweet, putting the idea in the public domain, I was in a meeting but suddenly my phone started vibrating in my pocket at a rate of knots.
“Before you knew it, Ashton United were making headlines worldwide, from Sky Sports News to Australia, and we backed up our offer by submitting it in writing to City in an email.
“Just imagine Haaland making his debut at Hurst Cross with all the home-made banners... it would have put a few on the gate and the bar takings would have climbed a notch.
“But let's face it: The player's wages were always going to be a problem. We could have offered him £150 a week plus petrol money, but it was never going to happen.
“Having said that, back in the day Dixie Dean played a few games for us on loan, and Alan Ball started his career as Ashton United as a 15-year-old when his father was the manager.
“A long time before we tried to sign the world's best striker on loan, we were laying the groundwork for England to win the World Cup.”
So what on earth makes a successful playwright and screenwriter want to burn his life savings on a non-League club?
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“Utter stupidity and naivety, in equal measure,” laughed Sayer. “In my case, there was an emotional attachment to Ashton United because my grandfather played more than 400 games for them and I've always been to watch them as a fan.
“It's fair to say my dad and I didn't fully understand what we were letting ourselves in for. It's been more stress than happiness, but you can't put a price on those moments when things are going well.”
You also can't legislate for the comedy gold of the unnamed Ashton striker who fell for his team-mates' ruse when they drove to an away game at Chester in a convoy of cars and the journey briefly involved crossing into Wales.
“The lads convinced him that he wouldn't be allowed over the border without his passport,” revealed Sayer. “So they bundled him into the boot to avoid the Welsh border force. The prank worked a treat until they got to Chester and found the boot was jammed.”
Somehow, it is hard to envisage Haaland turning up to City's opening Premier League date with Burnley next month in the boot of a Ford Focus.
Nowhere To Run, by Jonathan Sayer, published on 10 August by Transworld, £17.99 hardback
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