Australia's dismissal of Bairstow has set Ashes alight but now gloves are off
We know how it works. Australia will do anything to win at cricket, and sometimes England are no angels when it suits them, either.
But after the euthanasia of fair play at Lord's on Sunday, the gloves are off.
If the third Test at Headingley degenerates into a war of Mankad run-outs or the Aussies' specialist subject, bowling underarm along the floor with six needed off the last ball, why should anyone be surprised? Australia are 2-0 up in the Ashes, but their margins of victory – two wickets at Edgbaston, 43 runs at Lord's - have been tight.
Although they have been the better side, we now know they are scared of England's Bazball.
That's why they sent crocked spinner Nathan Lyon out to bat on Saturday. The extra 15 runs in his last-wicket partnership with Mitchell Starc gave the Aussies a comfort blanket of knowing England needed more than the 359 they knocked up in the fourth innings miracle of Headingley four years ago.
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And that's why they shafted Jonny Bairstow at Lord's.
Until they refused to recall Bairstow – 'stumped' by a direct hit from wicketkeeper Alex Carey after leaving the crease, wrongly believing the ball was dead at the end of an over – there had been a perception that this was the Chummy Ashes. Not any more.
Technically, Bairstow was out. He was also culpable for leaving his crease without checking it was safe to do so. But Aussie captain Pat Cummins missed a yawning opportunity to make a statement for sportsmanship and chose the Baggy Green's familiar path: Win at all costs.
Rival skippers Ben Stokes (left) and Pat Cummins (AFP via Getty Images)For some reason, Australia had felt short-changed when Starc was correctly adjudged to have grounded a 'catch' to dismiss Ben Duckett at fine leg on Saturday evening and, in the confected backlash, Bairstow was the fall guy.
At first glance, Starc's two-handed grab in the deep looked a brilliant, two-handed take. But replays showed he virtually hoovered the Lord's carpet with the ball as he broke his fall. Law 33.3 clearly states a catch is only complete when the fielder "obtains complete control over both the ball and his/her own movement.” Not out all day long.
But since Duckett was reprieved by the letter of the law – not just in the smallprint, but in plumes of smoke trailed across the sky – the Aussies decided the same strict doctrine applied to Bairstow, too, and it was a grave miscalculation.
For a start, to compare the two incidents is a false equivalence. Duckett was called back by TV umpire Marais Erasmus, while Bairstow – not seeking to gain any advantage by going walkabout - was ultimately dislodged by sharp practice. Both within the laws, but one was cut and dried, the other stank like a backpacker's socks.
England's Jonny Bairstow (centre) looks frustrated after being run out by Australia's Alex Carey (PA)There is no shame in losing to Australia. Since 1989, they have won 55 Ashes Tests to England's 22, so we have had plenty of practice. And for 14 years it was almost a privilege to be lampooned and harpooned after falling under Shane Warne's spell.
But they don't get it, so let's spell it out for them: If the boot had been on the other foot, and Bairstow had run out Carey in identical fashion, we'd never hear the end of it.
England feel like a boxer who has taken a punch after the bell and they know how it goes.
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In 1970-71, Raymond Illingworth's finest hour as captain, England regained the Ashes Down Under 2-0 without winning a single LBW decision in their favour in the entire series. Not one. More backpacker's socks.
Making his point: Stuart Broad grounds his bat sarcastically (Gareth Copley/Getty Images)Another former England captain overheard his bowler politely enquiring how many balls were left in an over at the Melbourne Cricket Ground in the days before neutral umpires, and was taken aback by the home official's response: “Count them yourself, you Pommie b*****d.”
Australia lodged a formal complaint about the behaviour of MCC members in the Long Room when they ran the gauntlet of some “cheat” jibes at lunch on Sunday, but Down Under England players are expected to take abuse like orange sauce off a duck's back.
When fast bowler Simon Jones was left in a heap on the boundary, his knee ligaments reduced to spaghetti by a sliding stop in the outfield at the Gabba in 2002, one thoughtful redneck towards the front rows barked: “Get up, Jones, you weak Pommie b******.” It was another 18 months before Jones was fit enough to play another Test match.
As stated earlier, England have been no angels when it suited them. Bodyline in 1932-33 won the Ashes but almost cost an empire. And back in the 19th century, bearded wonder W.G .Grace allegedly used to guarantee winning the toss by using a coin with Queen Victoria's head on one side and an image of helmeted female warrior Britannia on the other, calling 'The Lady' instead of heads or tails.
Stuart Broad appeals during the third TestBut it is laughable, to the point of padded cells and straitjackets, when Aussies bleat about Stuart Broad not walking at Trent Bridge in England's tense 13-run win 10 years ago.
Broad stood his ground after nicking Ashton Agar's left-arm spin, the ball deflecting off wicketkeeper Brad Haddin's glove before Michael Clarke caught the ricochet at slip. To widespread surprise, umpire Aleem Dar said not out, the Aussies had used up all their reviews and Broad survived.
From the bleating in a penal colony 10,000 miles away, you would think Broad had strangled a puppy live on TV. Just think about it for a moment: Australians complaining about an opposition batsman not walking.
Truly, satire is dead.
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