England staring into Ashes abyss as Cummins and Starc rip through top order
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, anyone for tennis?
In 77 balls of sunset carnage at Lord's, England's Ashes dreams were summarily dismantled by Aussie hurricanes Mitchell Starc and Pat Cummins.
Set an improbable 371 to win the second Test and level the series, their chase was holed below the water line inside 12.5 overs as they crashed to 45-4.
Despite Ben Duckett's defiant, 62-ball half-century, following his 98 in the first dig, England need another 257 runs to take the chequered flag – and pigs might fly.
Duckett was lucky to be reprieved controversially, 10 minutes before the close, when Starc was adjudged by TV umpire Marais Erasmus to have grounded a tumbling catch at fine leg off Cameron Green.
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Ben Duckett survived after he appeared to be caught by Mitchell Starc (PA)From the media lunar module which also serves as a noisy social club for visitors from the chattering classes, it looked a very harsh call, but it doesn't change the sobering truth: England have been outplayed.
This was supposed to be the summer when the Poms would go toe-to-toe with the braggarts in Baggy Greens and hit them with an unprecedented Bazball whirlwind.
But if Edgbaston was close – gut-wrenchingly, buttock-clenchingly close – the past four days in St John's Wood has been dispiritingly familiar.
Instead of launching a record run chase at Headquarters to knock spots off West Indies' 344-1 here in 1984, England decided to go all Francis Ford Coppola on us – and have their apocalypse now.
Zak Crawley was strangled down the leg side by Starc, Ollie Pope lost his middle stump to a rasping inswinger, Joe Root gloved a Cummins throat ball to slip and Harry Brook was castled by a beauty holding its line up the slope three balls later.
Although Starc and Cummins unleashed the most destructive new-ball spell of the series, it's not quite over yet. England skipper Ben Stokes and Duckett lived to fight another day, but the priest is on speed-dial to administer last rites.
And if Stokes' men go to Headingley on Thursday 2-0 down, a grim reminder: Only once in Ashes history – Don Bradman's class of 1936-37 – has a team come back from a 2-0 deficit to win 3-2.
Starc bowled a superb spell (PA)Earlier, England had dismissed the Aussies – resuming on 130-2 - for 279 in their second innings, Stuart Broad's perseverance earning him 4-65, but it was a triumph of one-dimensional attrition which put the 'zzz' into Bazzzball.
In the absence of lateral movement on a sluggish pitch, England resorted to a short-pitched barrage which was a monument to tedium.
Australia's Usman Khawaja (77), first innings centurion Steve Smith and Green all holed out in the deep, much as England's top half had formed a procession of lemmings over a cliff on Thursday evening and Friday morning.
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And Travis Head – dropped first ball by Jimmy Anderson – Alex Carey, Cummins and Josh Hazlewood were all bounced out as Stokes settled for one-track brute force.
At 264-9, crocked spinner Nathan Lyon, who is probably out of the series after pulling a calf muscle in the field on Thursday, limped out to help Starc stretch the Aussies' lead.
If it wasn't quite as heroic as Colin Cowdrey marching out at Lord's to deny the West Indies victory with his broken arm in plaster 60 years ago, it was a brave gesture.
Lyon even managed to pull Broad to the midwicket boundary on one leg before he perished, with most England players giving him a sporting pat on the back as he shuffled off.
The injured Nathan Lyon had limped out to bat (Getty Images)The Aussies lost their last eight wickets for 92 runs in 40 overs, most of them through sheer boredom, amid field settings which boggled the mind.
Two short legs, extra cover and no slips – but that's enough about the Prime Minister's appearance on Test Match Special at lunchtime.
Rishi Sunak dropped into the BBC commentary box as guest in their View From The Boundary slot and left no doubt that he is a genuine cricket fan.
We learned that when he hosted England's Twenty20 World Cup winners at a reception and they played cricket in the back garden at 10 Downing Street, player of the tournament Sam Curran sledged the PM from deep backward flower pot.
Curran deserves a call-up at Headingley next week for that revelation alone, if not a knighthood.
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