Carer details dying people's biggest deathbed regrets as they urge 'start now'

15 May 2023 , 18:15

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An end-of-life carer has opened up about her patients' biggest regrets, including not doing things for themselves and waiting for the "perfect time".

Hadley Vlahos,30, has worked as an at-home end-of-life carer for eight years, and has opened up about some of the "deathbed regrets" her patients have shared. One patient wisely told her "you can't take it with you when you go" when talking about material objects.

Another said: "Stop waiting for that perfect time, start now." One of her patients told Hadley they wish they would have "told people how much they loved them" and "spent less time at work and more time with family".

Hadley, from New Orleans, Louisiana, was also told by a patient to "do things for yourself, not for others."

She said: "I've had a lot of people tell me they would quickly say bye to someone, and their then-spouse suddenly dies. Or it would be the last time they would speak to friends or family.

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"They say that they wish they would have told people how much they loved them. How I applied that to my life is I might text a friend that I haven't seen for years and tell them that they still mean a lot to me, and I send those multiple times throughout the week."

Carer details dying people's biggest deathbed regrets as they urge 'start now'

Hadley shares what she learns on socil media (Hadley Vlahos / SWNS)

Hadley Vlahos has been working as an end-of-life carer for eight years (Hadley Vlahos / SWNS)

She went on to say: "Some people don't reply to me, and I don't take offence to it, but I know if something happens, I know that they know how much they mean to me.

"Every single person can teach you something. They've lived these entire lives. They can teach you so much.

"I have young kids and a lot of time they reinforce how fast it goes by. It's such a good reminder which is always amazing."

Hadley recalled the first time she was told by one of her patients not to prioritise material goods and instead focus on the now. "I remember leaving this ginormous mansion and she was in her hospital style bed realising that you can't take things with you when you go," she said.

"I left her home to go to another house where the walls were falling down, and she was in the same hospital bed but all that mattered in the end was the people around caring for her. They were both dying no matter what their money situation was.

Hadley has shared regrets including people focusing on others and not themselves or their loved ones (Getty Images)

"At the same time, I was getting a lot of patients who were in their 50s and 60s and had worked their whole life and they didn't even get to retire. I spoke to my husband, and said it's important to think about retirement but that now is just as important."

Another patient regretted not taking time earlier in life to pursue a career as a doctor. He told Hadley when she visited to "stop waiting for that perfect time, start now."

"That one was from a patient who had wanted to become a doctor, but never did it because of the time it would take," she explained.

"He was looking back and thinking eight years was too long but then realised that eight years passes regardless. For many years I was taking these stories and applying them to my own life.

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"That's why I love social media because these patients' messages are getting out there to so many people."

Hadley shares an insight into her job on social media (Hadley Vlahos / SWNS)

Hadley now reaches out to friends she hasn't seen or spoken to in a while to remind them they mean a lot to her still (Hadley Vlahos / SWNS)

The next regret Hadley learned came from a woman who spent her life trying to impress others. She told Hadley to "do things for yourself, not others."

"This woman was always concerned about what her friends thought and at the end of her life she was the only one alive and realised she didn't do what she wanted to do", recalled Hadley.

"I asked her what she wanted to do, and she didn't want to have to keep up and impress others. She said she was buying cars and houses to impress others and upgrade her lifestyle but wishes she'd just gone on trips for herself.

"My family and I try to take a trip now every year instead of waiting for the future."

Hadley said she doesn't find her job depressing and says there's a lot of 'happy moments' (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

One of the common things Hadley says she's told by her male patients is that they wish they'd spent less time at work and more time with family. She said: "A lot of people felt they didn't know their kids at all.

"I think with that they thought some necessities weren't actually necessities. Maybe they could have worked 40 hours instead of 60."

Having spent eight years in her job, Hadley believes people often don't listen enough to the experiences of those who came before them. "I think they feel forgotten about a lot," she said.

"I think they have very valuable stories and lessons. It doesn't matter how different things were. We tend to ignore sometimes.

"I've learned over the years how to ask questions to get people to talk to you and sometimes it then gets the family to talk more when I leave, which I think is great.

Hadley also applies what her patients tell her to her own life (Hadley Vlahos / SWNS)

"I don't see my job as depressing - yes, they are dying, but they're dying on their own terms. It's not as depressing as people would think. There's a lot of happy moments in people's homes when you're caring for them.

"I love my job - I think that it makes a big difference. It's one thing to hear someone say 'live your life to the fullest' but it's another to have your mortality in your face every single day. Tomorrow is not promised."