Pillow talk with your partner could increase sex drive and intimacy, expert says

12 February 2023 , 07:00

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Being open about your feeling is important (Stock photo) (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Hot flushes, anxiety, brain fog – many women will be nodding their heads and mentally ticking off these common perimenopausal symptoms one by one as the physical and mental changes are still very real or a not-so-dim-and-distant memory. Thanks to the likes of Davina McCall, Andrea McLean and even former First Lady Michelle Obama, the menopause is no longer a taboo topic. But there’s still one issue that isn’t widely discussed: loss of libido.

In a study published in the medical journal Menopause in 2019, 30% of women aged 50-74 said their sex lives had come to a halt because they had “no interest”. And it’s now believed that a woman’s sex drive, in fact, decreases after the age 40 — that’s usually some years before the average age menopause is reached.

Add in the stress and mental load of running a house, a family and a career – plus perhaps caring for older relatives or adult children – and it’s not surprising we have little headspace left for nurturing our relationships at a time in our lives when self-care would be most beneficial.

When you’ve been with the same partner for a long time, pillow talk usually centres on whose turn it is to put the bins out rather than whispering sweet, sensual nothings in each other’s ears. While some women end up closing the mental door to sex, those who are still getting intimate tend to rely on gestures and wordless noises to encourage – or discourage – their partners in the bedroom, instead of clear direction. Women would often rather murmur and moan, and hope that their partner gets it right, than say the actual words or give instructions and risk giving offence.

Proper communication with your partner can lead to a more fulfilling sexual experience. Fact. However, in a recent study carried out by the University of Quebec, the 27 couples interviewed admitted they avoid voicing their desires in order to “preserve the mood, protect a partner’s feelings, and sidestep experiencing a partner’s judgment”.

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Sexual positivity writer Clio Wood

Indeed, only about 20% of women aged 35 to 64 are comfortable talking about sex with their partner, according to the British National Survey Of Sexual Attitudes And Lifestyles. That’s despite approaches towards sex improving for women in recent years.

As a sex positivity and women’s health advocate, I can relate. Since having kids, I knew that my sexual encounters with my husband needed to be far more effective if we were going to make the most of those rare early nights. And we’ve since found that making our needs known in the bedroom is the key to better intimacy. You don’t ask, you don’t get pleasure.

While I’m now happy to ask for what I want in the bedroom, it didn’t always come naturally. In fact, it’s taken a long time to feel comfortable expressing my needs and preferences, and to talk openly about intimacy to help understand the needs of my husband.

“If sex is meaningful to you, it needs to be intentional,” agrees Jody Coyle, founder of the Happy Vulva Club. “It’s about prioritising pleasure, redefining intimacy and having open and honest communication between partners.”

And if you’re looking to reboot a sex life that’s gone a bit stale, Jody points out, “It’s not choosing to be focused on getting your old sex life back, but discovering a new one.”

It can be harder to reignite the spark when you’ve been with one partner for a long time. Through thick and thin, babies and teens, postnatal and perimenopause, when you get into that comfortable rut (and yes, that can mean less sex), it can understandably feel awkward to suggest something new in the bedroom.

Oddly, while you know each other inside out, it might mean that you’re too timid to openly voice your sexual desires.

For women, the menopausal years can compound the issue. Oestrogen levels drop in the lead-up to periods stopping, sometimes resulting in vaginal dryness, hot flushes, mood swings and a drop in desire – none of which are ideal for a healthy sex life.

But know this – sex during and after the menopause might be different, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be bad. And communicating with our partner is crucial here.

Psychologist Charlotte Fox Weber, the author of What We Want: A Journey Through Twelve Of Our Deepest Desires, explains, “In any relationship over time, desires and priorities can change, but it can feel uncomfortable and even shameful to admit this. We’re socialised to seem consistent but, of course, we change and our environment affects our sexual desire and what we choose to display. We don’t know ourselves or each other as well as we might believe we do.”

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Communication about sex is something most people need to work on, particularly when it comes to how inadequate TV and film portrayals of sex can make us feel. And that’s not even taking into account the unrealistic nature of most pornography.

Idyllic love scenes, or the ubiquitous hearts, flowers and romance of Valentine’s Day, can lead us to assume that sex should be perfect without us having to say anything. If they’re The One, surely they’d know exactly how to push our buttons without asking, right?

Wrong. Charlotte adds, “Satisfaction is fleeting, but the romantic myth of love sells permanent fulfilment.”

Clio Wood