'I've written 1,000s of wedding speeches - common mistakes and must-haves'

22 March 2023 , 15:34

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[stock image] The dos and don'ts for every wedding speech (Image: Getty Images)

There is an immense amount of pressure when it comes to wedding speeches. Especially as the bride or groom, your big day is already nerve-wracking let alone standing up in front of your friends and family, sometimes with around 100 guests, to share a personal message.

But it is your chance to pay tribute to your loved ones, and as professional wedding speechwriter Heidi Ellert-McDermott says, they can bring 'heart and soul' to any wedding.

She delivered her own speech as a bride in 2012, breaking the traditional line-up of the groom, best man, and father of the bride - and hopes more women feel empowered to do the same.

After sitting through too many dull and awkward speeches, she set up a service - Speechy - and has now helped more than 1,000 people perfect a wedding speech.

Heidi and her husband Roger on their wedding day (Neil Pollock Photography)

"I think the speeches really do add the heart and soul to wedding," Heidi told the Mirror.

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"Whether it's at a registry office or a church ceremony, when you go to that as a guest, they're very similar.

"It's very hard to make that truly personal by the nature of it - running through the legalities and all that."

She continued: "Another reason why speeches are important is that I think they really do connect everyone that's there.

"Otherwise, it can just feel like a very expensive posh party. And I do feel you owe it to your guests to least acknowledge, not only their effort in coming and possibly spending hundreds of pounds to see you say I do, but you also owe them a good time.

"You owe them the chance to laugh and you want to reignite their enthusiasm for love.

"And especially the people you really, really genuinely care about - like your parents and your friends that have seen you through your single years. This is one of the few opportunities in your life where you get to take a moment to truly honour them and pay a tribute."

The former BBC scriptwriter says there are dos and don'ts that she sees time and time again, and has now even written a book - The Modern Couple's Guide to Wedding Speeches - packed with advice.

Here, she highlights the main mistakes people make and what a good speech needs - including ideal length and why you should avoid Google gags.

The team of expert writers at Speechy (Heidi Ellert-McDermott)

The dos

Length

"You never want to go over a 10 minute delivery, no matter what role you are. So definitely less than 1,300 words," Heidi advises.

"I think after 10 minutes you can lose an audience. I'm not a massive fan of super short speeches either because I think you need enough time for your audience, to get the laughter and get the sentiment in there.

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"Everyone deserves at least five."

Giving thanks

Heidi says newlyweds shouldn't get bogged down with thanking important guests and people working at the venue.

"The newlyweds should be thanking the crucial people like their parents and any close friends who have been involved in the wedding prep, but really don't get sucked into it," she says.

"It's tempting once you start thanking individuals, but I think it's better to do this in person in private.

"And especially with thanking venues, wedding planners and things like that. That's just people doing their jobs. They don't need a name check within the speech.

"And definitely no gifts within the speech. It's a bit showy, and it's a bit embarrassing - just give it to them personally and earlier in the day and make it like a genuine moment.

"Sometimes we edit speeches already written and grooms get so caught up in the thank yous that they don't say much about the bride or their husband."

Humour

Heidi delivering her bride speech (Neil Pollock Photography)

"I always encourage people to have some humour within their speech," Heidi suggests.

"Everyone's got it within them. And the trick is not to go and resort to Google gags or wedding jokes or anything awful, but to again, just look at either the person you're paying tribute to or the relationship you're part of and just pull out the sort of quirks and the differences and the similarities between you.

"The first step is observing your relationship in action. Another easy way to add humour to any speech is obviously self-deprecating humour.

"I'd always say aim for a bit of humour within the first 20 seconds and then have it dotted up. The aim is to make people smile, after all."

Sentiment

"You want that sucker punch towards the end where you are genuinely taking a moment to pay a tribute to your partner and wrap up exactly how you feel about them," Heidi adds.

"But avoid all those cliches words like a soulmate and beautiful."

Don'ts

There are some common mistakes Heidi and her team come across [stock image] (Getty Images)

Lack of story

"A big mistake a lot of people make is they forget that is a story at the end of the day," the expert says.

"Grooms especially can get intimidated by the etiquette and it can turn into a thank you list. It's just very dull, or it can be that they just use a list of adjectives to describe their partner without really giving anyone the evidence that they actually are.

"So if you're saying they're funny or thoughtful or whatever, give the anecdotes that proves that is the case."

Sleazy jokes

[Stock image] Heidi advises to keep speeches clean (Getty Images)

"An innuendo is fine but the sort that makes you cringe, why make yourself look stupid?" Heidi says.

"Grooms might say things like 'thank you for the gift of your daughter. I'm looking forward to unwrapping it later tonight'.

"But data for brides that said 74 per cent said they want their wedding speeches clean.

"Keep it original and not offensive. Also anything about assumptions and prejudices taking the mickey out of in-laws such as - 'I've got a very funny speech prepared for you, but my wife has told me this one instead' - it's just sexist and boring.

"Or even 'it's good that you're all here and without you, it wouldn't have been the same but it would have been so much cheaper" - we pull these lines out immediately.

"This is like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you're just gathering together some jokes on the internet."

Heidi also says a mistake is having a long lead up to punchlines, adding: "If you can't say it quickly, don't say it at all."

She also says to avoid stories from Stag Dos, and lists it as a "poor source of material".

Dutch courage

"One piece of advice that doesn't work to calm nerves is drinking alcohol. 'Dutch courage' actually increases your stress levels.

"The science behind a good delivery is just rehearsing it rehearsing, rehearsing it, and making it the soundtrack to your life in the weeks up to the wedding so that it flows.

"It's fine to have notes and it's important to pretend that you're having fun. Get up and smile - it's infectious."

Where to start?

For those writing a wedding speech, whichever role you take in the big day, Heidi suggests starting with a brainstorm.

"Get everything down, all your insights, all your ideas, then we would look at whether there's a theme that can connect it all - maybe there are three best stories or just one is so good you could base it around that. You've got to create a narrative.

"To make it a Premier League speech, you set up that bonus at the top, you're leading on from anecdote to anecdote and then you can just spin maybe what is a teasing negative into a brilliant 'actually, it's all great'."

The Modern Couple's Guide to Wedding Speeches: How to Write and Deliver an Unforgettable Speech or Toast by Heidi Ellert-McDermott is now available to buy from Amazon, published by Little, Brown, priced £9.99.

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