Intimacy coach shares how to reignite sex life in 'friend zone' marriage
It’s perfectly natural that as time goes by relationships change and evolve. Going from the hot and heavy honeymoon phase, and having sex every day, to something slower, albeit no less important and intimate. However, as we all have different sex drives, if couples eventually fall out of sync it can cause problems.
Discussing the issue on social media, a man revealed he and his wife had fallen out after he admitted that in his mind, he had ‘friend-zoned’ her. Explaining that they have been together for over 20 years, he gushed that they get on very well and she is truly his best and closest friend. The 44-year-old added: “We can both trust each other with anything. We have so much shared history together and we have each been there for each other through hard times and good times.”
The couple has two kids, aged 20 and 18, who are in college but still live at home, and they are paying their tuition. The family is financially stable and everything is good. Everything except their sex life.
The man explained that they used to be physical a lot, describing their sex life as “healthy” even when the children were small, however three of four years ago things between them slowed down a lot. He went on: “It got to be less and less frequent, to the point where it was like only 5 to 7 times per year.
“For me, the lack of physical intimacy was excruciating. When I would talk about it with her, she would say that she still finds me attractive and that I'm not doing anything to turn her off. She let me know that she isn't put off by my pursuits and typically feels flattered when I show an interest. That said, I was still being rejected about 19 out of 20 times.
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“I got to a point where I was just unable to reconcile the sexual rejections & lack of physical intimacy against the rest of our otherwise wonderful relationship.”
Understandably feeling rejected, the man stated that something inside him “snapped” and he realised he could no longer cope with getting rejected so decided to give up. He added: “I started to make myself think of her the same way I think of my friends and co-workers: any time I found myself thinking of her sexually, I would tell myself, ‘No. That thought is inappropriate’. And then I would quickly engage in something else to occupy my mind.
“At first, it was difficult. After a few months I trained my brain to think of my wife as more of a ‘friend’ and not to entertain sexual thoughts of her at all. During this time (about 5 months), she seemed completely oblivious to it.”
This was until she tried to initiate sex with him, and he rejected her. It happened a few more times before she demanded to know what was going on, and he confessed his ‘friend-zone’ situation. Needless to say, the admission didn’t go down well and the couple had an almighty row with the wife telling her husband that she was very hurt and felt unsure about their relationship.
He finished: “Since then, she's barely said a word to me, and it's been about a week. I'm really starting to doubt myself and my actions here, and I'm starting to wonder if I really am wrong.”
People reading the post were in massive sympathy for the couple, with many offering useful advice on how to proceed. A 60-year-old man who claimed to have been through something similar wrote: “It is difficult to transition away from the ‘horny just happens’ phase of life. Our solution was to institute ‘Naked Nights’, usually a Saturday. The idea here was not to demand, or even require sex.
“It was simply a way to set the stage for intimacy without having to discuss it every week. Simply get into bed and snuggle and reconnect. Early on, it led to sex every time… even though one (or neither of us) was in the mood beforehand. Ten years on we still do it. It leads to sex less at sixty but is still nice.”
In response to this answer, a sex coach responded applauding him for his advice. She wrote: “This is incredible. I’m a sex coach and this is my biggest recommendation to couples in this spot. Even my husband and I have fallen into this a little in our marriage - which I hilariously thought would never happen to me because I am the sex goddess (sarcasm).
“If he asks me ‘hey you wanna bone right now?’ if I’m being honest the answer is usually ‘not really’ lol. But if we get in bed and start touching each other, usually something good happens, even if it’s not full-on intercourse.
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“We also discovered we are afternoon lovers, if it’s too late I just want to go to bed. There is no secret magic trick that will get you out of 1) Prioritizing Physical Connection and 2) Communicating Directly about it.”
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