'I fantasise about running away with a stranger - do I leave my husband?'

03 March 2024 , 15:55

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This Mirror reader says she might be in love with a stranger she met at her local cafe (stock image) (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

This is going to sound weird, but I think I’m in love with a man I hardly know. I’ve been married for 10 years, my husband and I are both in our late 30s and we have two young children.

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time we had sex and we’re never affectionate to each other any more – no hugs, kisses, nothing. All we talk about are the kids or work. I have no sex drive at all any more and I’ve kind of blamed myself for the lack of sex. However, I’m definitely sexually attracted to this other man and I’m having thoughts and feelings that I haven’t had in some time.

I know virtually nothing about this guy. I met him at a local working hub/cafe where I go most days. We chat, get on well and I find him attractive. I don’t even know if he’s married or has a partner, as we haven’t got round to those conversations yet. I find myself dreaming about him a lot and wondering what it would be like to run away with him.

I know this all sounds crazy, but I keep worrying that I shouldn’t be married if I’m having these thoughts.

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I’d love some advice.

Coleen says

I don’t think this is about love (lust, maybe), it’s to do with what’s lacking in your life: intimacy, desire, connection. You need to address this before addressing anything else.

You have to acknowledge that you’ve hit a rut in your marriage and ask each other what, if anything, you can do about it. It’s very easy for everyday life to take over and to forget you’re a couple, then you meet someone new and think: “Oh, I’ve still got that in me”.

But, realistically, you don’t know this guy – you’re flirting a bit and chatting superficially, but that’s it. Before anything potentially happens, make an effort to sort stuff at home. It’s interesting that you’re fantasising about running away – you’re looking for an escape rather than facing the real issues.

Maybe your husband is feeling the same – ask him. You either try to work on it together or agree that you’ve gone as far as you can go as a couple. It also helps to imagine in forensic detail what your life would be like if you did split up – what would you miss? Think about the heartbreak and the ripple effect.

And think about what it was like when you first met. These ­feelings for this other guy are the same feelings you used to have for your husband. So, for now, stop flirting, stop confusing things and start talking to your husband.

Coleen Nolan