'I've dated women all my life, but now I've fallen for a bloke'
Dear Coleen
I’m a 24-year-old lesbian and think I’m somehow in love with my friend, a 32-year-old guy.
I came out at 14 and have always dated girls – I’ve never been attracted to men.
We met five years ago through one of my university mates and immediately became good friends.
None of his girlfriends had a problem with me because they knew I was a lesbian. But after years of getting closer, I’ve started to admit to myself I actually like him as more than a friend.
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“Masculine” stuff used to gross me out but, with him, it’s completely different and I find myself fantasising about him.
We’ve both been single for a few months, and have been hanging out a lot. When we go out, people assume we’re a couple because of how we are together. He’s never taken it beyond affection, but still makes me feel special.
Recently my family threw a big party, so I invited him and they all loved him. I introduced him as my best friend, but we were probably a little too touchy at the party because my mum was giving us some knowing looks. So, I’ve decided it might be time to think about making some kind of move.
How do I have this conversation with him? He sees me as a lesbian, after all, so he probably doesn’t think I could be into him and that I’m “off limits”. I’m also a bit confused about what this means about my sexuality – he’s still the only man I’m attracted to. Is it possible he’s a single exception?
I don’t want to mess things up – any advice is welcome!
Coleen says
I actually know a few people who’ve had one sexual orientation most of their lives, but one person has changed things for them. So, I don’t think it’s that rare, to be honest, and I don’t think it’s something you should worry about.
Sexuality can be fluid. I have a friend who was straight and married, but fell in love with another woman and the way she explained it to me was that she fell in love with the person, not her gender.
If this guy is as good a friend as you say he is and you trust him, then maybe you can tell him. You could open the conversation with something like: “My family loves you and think we’re a couple because of how we are together”. Then you could take it further with: “I’ve never been attracted to men before, but I’m finding myself very attracted to you”.
If he says he sees you only as a friend, you have your answer. Then you have to work out whether you can still be friends or if you need to take a break for the friendship for a bit as one-sided feelings are painful.
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A little word of caution: part of the attraction here could be this friendship provides something that previous romantic relationships haven’t. And perhaps there’s less pressure because there hasn’t been a sexual element to it.
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