'I know my wife’s having an affair but I’m trying to ignore it'

13 February 2024 , 18:43

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I don’t feel I can get on my moral high horse over her affair as I don’t have a leg to stand on (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

A good friend recently told me that my wife is having an affair with a local guy who owns a pub near us where she often meets her friends. My mate owns a gardening company and was working at a house next door to this pub and saw my wife and the landlord together.

Looking back, it makes sense, as she’s been out a lot more lately with her friends, coming home late and making lots of excuses to leave the house, which I assume is to call him.

I don’t want her to leave me over this, so I’m thinking of just ignoring it and hoping it runs its course and she sees sense.

We’ve been together for 12 years and have had ups and downs in the past, especially a couple of years into our marriage when I lost my job and my best mate was killed in a car accident abroad. I went off the rails a bit, drank too much, acted like an idiot and slept around a bit.

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To my wife’s eternal credit, she was there for me, supported me and forgave the cheating, even though I know it hurt her.

I don’t feel I can get on my moral high horse over her affair as I don’t have a leg to stand on.

What’s the best thing to do?

Coleen says

Honestly, you can’t ignore this affair and just hope it’ll fizzle out. It’s going to start driving you mad every time she’s out with her mates or popping to the shops. You might think you can handle it, but you’ll become more and more resentful and angry, and it’ll destroy your self-esteem. I don’t think there are many people who could turn a blind eye.

This might be uncomfortable to hear, but something’s not working in your marriage otherwise your wife wouldn’t be having an affair.

So, you have to face it and tell her you know, but make it clear that you don’t want it to end your marriage. Ask her how she feels about your relationship and what’s missing.

Tell her you’re willing to work through it with her and suggest relationship counselling, which will support both of you.

This kind of wake-up call can make couples confront the issues in their marriage, and your relationship can end up in a better place. However, I think you probably need to work your way back from that time in your marriage when you went AWOL.

Your wife may be carrying a lot of resentment from that time that she’s never properly addressed
with you.

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If you do stay together, be prepared that it’ll take time and effort to rebuild trust. Don’t bury your head in the sand.

Coleen Nolan