'Escaped monkey fiasco doesn't compare to monkey business in Westminster'

03 February 2024 , 18:39

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The monkey was at large for much of this week

I can’t pretend I’ve given politics my full attention this week, given the greatest story ever told ­unfolded in Scotland.

Not the Sturgeon thing, which was mildly interesting and not a little tragic, but that monkey on the loose in the Highlands. In the olden days, this newspaper would have sent a reporter up there to try to track it down, ideally dressed as Tarzan but at the very least in a safari suit with a bunch of bananas and a big net.

Alas, those days are behind us. As Dr Thompson says, The Fun Has Stopped.

After a few days of blissful mayhem, Honshu, the seven-year-old macaque (or McCaque, as my mate Angela christened him) was tempted in by – get this – a Yorkshire pudding and shot with a tranquiliser dart. We’ve all fallen for that one, Honshu old son, so don’t beat yourself up.

Monkey fun over, what else has been going on? Labour’s Rachel Reeves, who had earlier attacked the decision to lift the cap on bankers’ bonuses cap, promised not to put the cap back on banker’s bonuses.

Teachers, civil servants and train drivers walk out in biggest strike in decade

Sturgeon has been giving evidence this week (Anadolu via Getty Images)

The calculation, according to a very sensible insider, is that no one is going to get particularly outraged. Although they should, they won’t, and it keeps the City happy. Me, personally, I’m outraged. Her statement came on the day HSBC was fined £57million by the Bank of England over failings to protect customer deposits.

Any party serious about power needs to talk with the City but this sort of stuff needs to be clamped down on. I’d far rather these outfits concentrated on looking after our money and not closing branches everywhere. But a necessary evil, I suppose.

George Osborne says: “They are bending over backwards to say, ‘Yes, yes, yes, we love ­business. We embrace business. Business is going to be our partner in a Labour government. And I have to say, the business community is lapping it up.”

Doesn’t really sit right, does it? I know I’m a bit tribal but having George Osborne liking what Labour is doing is really unsettling.

There is still a 19-point lead though, according to the latest results from Savanta, which said: “With repeated rumours about a leadership challenge, the Conservative Party could perhaps be forgiven for thinking a change of leader could provide the polling boost they need.”

Please, God, no. Not another leadership challenge.

I was discussing this with a Tory backbencher who ruled it out immediately. He said Rishi Sunak will come under pressure but he remains the man to take them into the election.

“Madness to do anything else. Not sure, to be honest, who would want it. Course, it’s so weird at the moment anything could happen."

Indeed. Monkey business.

Keir Mudie