'I divorced my wife years ago but she keeps checking on me and I'm sick of it'

07 January 2024 , 19:13

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The reader divorced their partner two years ago, but she keeps checking up in him (Image: Getty Images/Westend61)

Dear Coleen

I divorced my wife two years ago after discovering she’d been having an affair. She’s still with the guy she was cheating with and our two teenage children live with me.

The divorce was horrible and left us all damaged; mostly me and the kids. It was nasty and she took any opportunity to make things difficult and verbally abuse me.

However, I’m glad to say I’m much happier now, I’ve moved on and I’m focusing on the kids and my work. My ex, on the other hand, is constantly checking up on me, stalking me on LinkedIn and via our friends.

She texts and calls all the time with unreasonable requests to do with the kids and I’m sick of her vile comments.

I don’t get it; she was the one who cheated and destroyed what we built together, yet she acts like the victim. If you didn’t know the story of what actually happened, you’d think I was the one who cheated and walked away.

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My kids still aren’t keen on spending time with her and blame her for everything that’s gone on. This isn’t due to things I’ve said; they’ve seen with their own eyes how she’s behaved. I just wish she would do the right thing and move on and be civil when it comes to our arrangements for the kids.

What can you suggest?

Coleen says

I don’t know why she’s so bitter – maybe it’s guilt or “buyer’s remorse”. Perhaps she expected you to forgive her and move on together and she’s angry that you didn’t.

She might be angry at herself and is projecting that anger on you. On the positive side, you have moved on and you’re happy, so that’s what you have to focus on.

Keep moving forward. If there’s a way you can block her online, do that, and perhaps have a quiet word with friends and say you’d appreciate it if they didn’t pass on any ­information about you and your life. Don’t respond to any messages she sends that aren’t directly to do with arrangements for seeing the kids.

She might not like that you’ve moved on successfully while she’s struggling to adjust to this new situation and feels messed up.

If you can find any empathy at all for her blowing up her life and losing the respect and trust of her children, then it could help you deal with things better. But try to concentrate on yourself; if you continue to let her affect you like this, then she still has a hold on you.

Don’t give her that power.

Coleen Nolan