'I want to use the baby name my friend gave stillborn - her trauma isn't mine'
A mum-to-be has been left feeling conflicted after she discovered the name she wants to give her baby is the same one her friend chose for her stillborn two years ago.
The woman is currently seven months pregnant and recently found out she's set to have a baby girl. After finding out the gender of her unborn baby, the 26-year-old woman and her husband, 28, announced to family and friends that they'd be calling the impending arrival Adelaide, which is a name the woman had been set on using since she was a child.
However, following the news, one of the woman's friends began acting "distant" toward her. The mum-to-be explained her friend "tragically lost her baby girl to a stillbirth" two years ago, but despite her trauma, she had been "kind and empathetic" toward the mum throughout her pregnancy, up until the day she revealed what her daughter's name would be.
In a post on Reddit, the mum wrote: "Throughout my pregnancy, I have tried to be sensitive to her feelings, as I knew it was a sore point for her. Two years ago, she tragically lost her baby girl to a stillbirth. I can't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking this must have been for her and I made sure I supported her through this devastating loss.
"Despite her trauma, she has never been anything less than kind and empathetic towards me, up until that day. A couple of weeks later, she confronted us, suggesting we change the name of our baby, to which we rebuffed. She kept on trying to convince us, suggesting different names, or saying that Adelaide was too old-fashioned or that it wouldn't suit our child."
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The couple kept refusing the woman's alternative baby name suggestions until eventually the woman "started crying" and revealed that Adelaide was the name she had given her stillborn daughter. The mum-to-be insisted that her friend had never told her the name as she had felt it was too "personal", so she had no idea the names were the same.
And although she is devastated for her friend's loss, the mum doesn't believe that her trauma should impact the name she chooses to give her daughter. She added: "She claims that, by keeping our name, we are disrespecting the memory of her baby. She said that if I chose the same name then my daughter would be a living reminder of what could have been. I completely understand her grief, but I believe I should have the right to name my own child without being burdened by someone else's trauma."
Commenters on the post urged the mum to reconsider her daughter's name, as they said that although she can name her child whatever she wants in theory, she should have "empathy and compassion" for someone she cares about. Some even suggested she use Adelaide as a middle name, to both honour the name she loved as a child and her friend's baby.
One person questioned: "You're not the a**hole for choosing that name in the first place, but that's just because you didn't know. Now you do know. Is the name itself really that important to you, or is it just about not being told what to do? Do you care more about an aesthetic decision you made when you were a kid, than your 'close' friend's feelings?"
Someone else said: "How about Adelaide as her middle name, part of your daughter's name and a homage to your friend's lost child? There are probably a lot of problems with this, but it was my first thought," while a third posted: "No a**holes here, but I would definitely change the name if I even cared a speck for that friend."
If you would like to talk to someone about any aspect of stillbirth, you can contact the midwives at pregnancy charity Tommy's, who are experienced in talking about baby loss and bereavement. You can phone them for free on 0800 0147 800, or email them at [email protected].
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