'I'm happily married, but I keep fantasising about sex with my ex'

02 January 2024 , 16:02

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Reader was dumped years ago, but misses the passion (Image: Getty Images/Westend61)

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have been together for nearly a decade, we’re both 38 and have two ­children aged eight and six.

I love my husband and I’d say we have a really good marriage but, recently, I have started to fantasise a lot about my ex-boyfriend. I was with my ex between the ages of 20 and 24.

We met during our last year at university and had a really powerful physical attraction to each other. The times we spent together were among the happiest of my life.

However, he broke up with me after I hit a bad time; I was depressed because my parents were going through an acrimonious divorce and I was also struggling to work out what I wanted to do with my life.

He claimed he didn’t want to make my problems worse and that it would be good for both of us to make a fresh start. I was heartbroken, but I ­eventually got myself together and then four years after the break-up I met my husband.

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I’m not saying things are bad with my husband, but sex isn’t as passionate as with my ex. It’s a different kind of relationship, but it bothers me that I’m thinking about my ex.

Coleen says

It sounds as if you’re a bit bored sexually right now and that’s why you’re thinking about your ex; not because you love him or miss him. Let’s be frank here, he dumped you when you were in a really vulnerable place and that was 14 years ago.

Say you did see your ex for sex, where does it go from there? Can you really see yourself having a relationship with him? Would you really give up the wonderful life you’ve built with your husband and children? I think the answer is “no” to both those questions, but sex with your ex is an easy fantasy to fall back on when things feel mundane at home.

Many people assume the only solution is to move on to someone else; the truth is, all relationships are madly exciting at first, but all go through dull periods and challenges. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is wrong, but it does require some action and you need to start with an honest conversation about how you feel.

Why not take the initiative to spice things up in bed? Why don’t you tell him what you’d like more of in and out of the bedroom? It’s exciting to make a plan together to move forward and to feel in control. Good luck.

Coleen Nolan