'My husband lied about his salary for 15 years, now I'm connecting the dots'
One wife figured out that her husband had been lying about his wage.
Most people would not choose to disclose how much money they make to any old stranger, but would be perfectly comfortable sharing this information with their spouse or life partner. While finances can add a complicated dynamic to things, partners are generally seen as being there to share the burden of those concerns and help figure out a budget that works best for the household as a team.
For one woman it took 15 years before she realised that her husband had never been honest about what his salary really was, and after she connected the dots, she looked at their relationship totally anew because of his dishonesty.
The woman posted on Mumsnet with her discovery, looking for advice on how best to handle what she had found out and for feedback on whether or not it was reasonable to be hurt by the fact he had been dishonest with her for so long.
She explained that the couple didn't share finances or bank accounts, but she had never probed him on his salary because she had no reason to suspect that he wasn't telling her the real number on his paycheck.
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Her husband, she said, told her that "he earned £40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. It actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I'm shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense."
"For a little bit of context," she explained, "my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples."
This formula had for the most part worked out fine for the couple, but the only problem they had really faced was that her husband had regularly complained that he didn't have any money.
She noted that "him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin" and that "money has always been a huge point of contention [in] any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off."
Gradually, this led the woman to become suspicious given their combined income and the financial burdens she takes care of.
"I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point-blank refused."
Eventually, things reached boiling point and the couple had a furious row over money yet again, which sparked a proper discussion about their situation.
"He said that he only earns 25k a year take-home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year," she explained. "He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn't right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax.
"So for the first time, I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre-tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take-home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about." She also discovered that during the COVID-19 pandemic, the employees of the company received a "pretty significant one-off bonus" that her husband never mentioned.
She claimed it wasn't the only chunk of money he had been cagey about over the years, telling how his mum gave him £20,000 but he refused to touch it - even when the family found themselves facing "an unexpected expense". She noted that when he complains about being short of funds and she reminds him of the lump sum from his mother, "he will act like he's just saving it for her and that it's not really his to spend! Which I'm not quite sure I believe."
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She also said that he often warns that he could easily lose his job but refuses to apply for a promotion because he doesn't want to work extra hours or take on more responsibility. She now feels "totally at a loss" and "so stupid" for believing him. Overall, the woman admitted, "I've always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I've always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with".
Many users were quick to support the woman and validate that she was totally reasonable to be upset. "I absolutely hate lies. I can't see anything but the mistruth. For me personally, I don't know how you can go forward. Once you start thinking, what else has he lied about? you'll start to question everything," wrote one.
Another user, however, felt that the wife was being a bit unreasonable in her reaction: "You can hardly blame him for this mess when you have been too lazy to check? Over the years when he claimed to be broke you obviously never sat down and did a line-by-line of expenses."
However, other commenters took more of a balanced position, with one writing: "I can almost see how he got in this position, maybe showing off a little - it's not ok though. The bonus makes sense that he didn’t tell you, because I imagine it wasn’t large enough to take him to his 'salary'. The most unacceptable bit is that he’s still lying and not being honest, I’d ask him one more time - are all the cards on the table now?"
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