'Rishi Sunak is a haunted man as deepening woes signal end of his Tory regime'

16 December 2023 , 20:16

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Prime Minister Rishi Sunak during a press conference in the Downing Street Briefing Room (Image: PA)

I am ill. Like, ill with a capital ‘I’. So I’m a little out of touch this week with events in the political world.

It’s some sort of version of the flu, I reckon, but I’ve never known anything quite like it. In bed since Tuesday night and used my phone to do all my Christmas shopping at about 2am on Thursday with a temperature of, like, 110 degrees.

Very unsettling to wake up later that day completely skint and with a variety of odd and completely inappropriate gifts winging their way across the country. Quite what my Auntie Pam is going to make of a ticket to the Mixed Martial Arts event Cage Warriors at the O2 is beyond me.

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But it’s the thought that counts, I guess. And it’s a good seat. People in this game have very little sympathy for illness – which is fair. Phone calls go like this: “Keir. How are you doing?”

“Well, mate, not going to lie, I don’t think I’m long for this worl-”. “That’s great. Have you heard about Scott Benton?”

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I hadn’t, indeed, heard about the Conservative MP for Blackpool South Mr Benton’s 35-day suspension from Parliament – on account of when the news broke I was going through some sort of hallucination about being on a cargo ship. It doesn’t surprise me, though. I think I read somewhere that disgraced Tories are now one of the largest groups in Parliament. I might have dreamt it, though, like I dreamt the other night the bloke from Wizzard was after me.

(It alarmed me so much I must have made a note of it in the early hours and, let me tell you, there’s nothing so disconcerting as waking up to a message – written in an alien hand – that says: “Roy Wood is trying to kill you.”) Anyways. Another by-election on the way. It looks increasingly like rather than voting the Tories out wholesale at a General Election, they’re going to get picked off one by one, like a really, really, bad version of Squid Game.

More misery for Mr Sunak, to add to the horror show that was the Rwanda vote on Tuesday. I was relatively healthy then but, with hindsight, watching that full debate and the circus that surrounded it might not have done me any good.

Still, much better to be a rancid, bed-ridden ball of sweat than Mr Sunak right now. Horrible festive season in store for the PM. Nothing less than he deserves, though. A Scrooge who hasn’t learned any lessons, despite what the ghosts are telling him.

I will leave it there. There’s not much I can offer in the way of insight this week – other than to make sure you get your flu jabs. I’m back to bed and my treatment plan of Lemsip, whisky and chicken soup. To be honest, not a million miles from my usual diet. I’m away next week, so I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

Keir Mudie