'Maybe I should warn daughter about her new man after speaking to his ex's mum'

01 November 2023 , 19:27

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New boyfriend had a nasty divorce (Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Dear Coleen

I’m worried about my daughter, who is 29 and in a new relationship with a man who’s recently divorced.

He’s only a couple of years older than her and has one child with his ex.

The ex is actually the daughter of an acquaintance of mine, so I know something about his situation.

Apparently, he was horrible to his ex-wife, made things ­difficult financially when they were separating, and could be verbally explosive, although there was never any physical abuse (I did ask).

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This acquaintance will obviously take her daughter’s side in the break-up. But she’s not the type of person to lie – she does the flowers at the church!

I realise I don’t know all the ins and outs of his marriage or what he’s actually like as a person as I’ve not met him, but should I warn my daughter?

She’s very headstrong and I’m not sure she’ll listen to me, but I felt this woman was trying to warn me, even though she didn’t say that directly.

I find that I’m spending a lot of time worrying about my daughter and wishing she’d never got mixed up with this man. I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

I understand your concern, but it is important to remember that there are two sides to every story. Whatever the circumstances were between this man and his ex, it was obviously a toxic relationship and they weren’t right for each other, but I’d be careful about jumping to conclusions.

You don’t know the ins and outs and you never will. There are a hundred possibilities for what might have led to the end of their marriage and a nasty divorce.

Here’s the thing, if you did mention it to your daughter, I doubt she’d listen to you. Also, she might get defensive and angry, and then be reluctant to let you in and talk about the relationship.

So, if you do decide to say something, be careful how you word it, so you don’t alienate her. My tactic has always been to let my kids fly and catch them if they fall.

Obviously, if there was any hint of mental or physical abuse, then it’s a different story, but this woman isn’t saying that. It sounds like a very ­difficult divorce.

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If this guy isn’t the right one for your daughter, then hopefully she’ll see this herself. But I’m not sure she’ll want to hear what his ex mother-in-law has to say – that’s her version and you don’t know what her daughter was like in the relationship.

Finally, ask your daughter if you can meet him to see how you get on. That might ease your concerns.

Coleen Nolan