'We've moved home and I'm struggling to make new friends'

11 October 2023 , 16:55

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Shy mum is feeling lonely after recent move (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I really suck at making new friends and need some advice.

I’m 33, with a two-year-old son, who goes to nursery part time. I work from home three days a week and my husband goes out to work, so I’m on my own a lot.

We moved to a new area a few months ago and while I like where we live, I still don’t really know anyone.

I see other mums at nursery drop-offs and pick-ups, and in the park, but I just don’t have the confidence to approach them and start a conversation, especially as they all seem to know each other really well.

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I’m quite introverted with people I don’t know and it takes me a while to come out of my shell. I have several good friends, who I call and message all the time, but it’s not the same as seeing them in person and I’ve found myself feeling quite lonely.

I know I would feel much better if I was more a part of the community. I can’t believe I’m in my 30s and still find it hard to make friends! Please help.

Coleen says

First of all, don’t give yourself a hard time about what you “should” be doing – moving is a big deal and it can take a while to feel at home.

Secondly, you can make friends because you have some good ones, so I think you’re just lacking a bit of confidence. Believe it or not, I’m actually quite shy socially, despite being on the telly, and my worst ­nightmare is walking into a room where I don’t know anyone.

My tactic has always been to fake confidence, which sounds a bit weird, but once you’ve pushed yourself out of your comfort zone a few times, it gets easier to start a conversation and you realise people want to engage.

So, I think some of it is facing your fear, looking like you’re approachable and just saying hello.

Having a young child is great for connecting with other parents too – say hello when you’re watching the kids play in the park and if someone says hello to you, don’t back out of the ­conversation – keep it going.

And join the mum and toddler groups. You probably won’t like all of them, but you may find one that works for you.

I met my best friend Carol through my son Shane ’s football team, standing on the sidelines every Sunday, cheering on our boys. We had tons in common because we were going through the same ups and downs with our kids. I didn’t have many local friends until I met her, but then it snowballed.

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Another way to meet people is to learn something – join a club, take up a language or a hobby. You’re all there as you have that thing in common and the set-up of a class makes it more natural to get to know people.

There are also tons of resources – apps, books, online videos – that can help with self esteem, confidence-building, and navigating relationships.

Coleen Nolan