'I visited France's 'ugliest village' - it wouldn't be out of place in England'
"Bored of beauty? Had enough of hills? Come to Coustellet! Not only is it the ugliest village in the Luberon, it is also the flattest, and all the architecture is new and uninspiring."
Reading such brutal criticism, you would be forgiven for thinking this was written by the mayor of a nearby village in the south of France, looking to bring down the reputation of rival tourist spot, or an American travel influencer unimpressed by its small roads and the way its supermarket smell.
Instead, it is Coustellet's own tourist board that is digging into the poor town.
"You don’t come to Cousetellet with a camera, for this is a crossroads of trade: Coustellet is where all the necessary but unattractive things are kept: supermarkets, banks, laundromat, realtors, petrol stations, traffic lights, traffic..." the savage summary on the Luberon region website continues.
What, I wondered as I touched down at Marseilles Airport an hour's drive to the south, had Coustellet ever done to deserve such ferocious treatment from its own people?
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The weather broke on the day I visited (Milo Boyd)Perhaps part of the answer lies in what surrounds the small town. The Luberon and Provence more generally is a place known for its great beauty. Just a few short miles away you find the breath-taking village of Lacoste, which is now an international commune for artists and is home to the Marquis de Sade's sordid castle.
A little further along the winding country roads takes you to Saignon, where a tiny bakery serving great bowls of frothy cappuccino is the only place in the town to purchase any sustenance and acts as a buzzing hub beneath the enchanting towers.
Rousillon has perhaps the best views of the bunch from the top of its fort, looking out on magnificent cliffs of red ochre that put the town on the map and attract great throngs of tourists to this day.
Surrounded by such places it is difficult for Coustellet to compete.
Driving through the town centre on the day that weeks and weeks of burning hot temperatures and blue skies made way for a dreary day of 20Cs and drizzle seemed appropriate. As the cutting scribes on its tourist board had promised, Coustellet is a place that goes for functionality over beauty.
If you are on holiday and find yourself needing a spare light bulb or a screw for a piece of wobbly antique furniture, Coustellet feels like it'll have you covered. If you want cheap petrol, then you're in the right place.
If however you want to be wowed by the beauty of a region that has attracted British high society of hundreds of years and served as an adopted home for Samuel Beckett, then you may be out of luck.
On the day I visited it seemed that the main attraction for tourists was the large and very well-stocked Super U at the entrance to the town. About half of the shoppers inside seemed to be from the south of England, presumably there to take a supply of rotisserie poulet back to their villas rather than to work out why the town had such a bad reputation.
The market received warmer words (Alamy Stock Photo)After filling my basket and waiting in line for 10 minutes wondering if anywhere in the country has adopted self-service scanners, I approached the cashier and asked in my best bad French if she liked living in Coustellet. "C'est bon," she explained before handing me my receipt.
I had just as short shrift and the same amount of luck finding out the truth behind the town's reputation walking down the deserted streets, bottling my one chance to approach a French seeming woman using an ATM for fear of scaring her.
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In truth, Coustellet seemed completely fine. If felt like the kind of town computer generated for theory tests to have lots of A roads and elderly people threatening to stop off the pavement. The fact that it would not look out of place in much of England made me quite jealous of the south of France and quite how beautiful the rest of it is.
Perhaps feeling bad about the brutal cutdown they directed at their own, the tourist board has since added some of the its redeemable features to its webpage.
"Coustellet also has many delights for the food-lover: a fishmonger, organic groceries, deli, wine stores, good bakeries, numerous restaurants, and of course the must-see farmers’ market on Sunday mornings (April-December)," it continues.
Coustellet farmers' market takes place every Sunday morning from April to December, and a smaller version is on Wednesday evenings, June-August, from 5pm to 7.30pm.
"Coustellet is one of the best markets in Provence. A marché paysan means that the produce is sold by the producers themselves. So this is a marvellous showcase of the fruit, vegetables, herbs, flowers, wine, honey, cheese, bread, etc. of the region," the page adds.
"Everyone says 'go early' before it gets crowded, but then everyone still goes at 11. So go early if you want to be in and out quickly. Otherwise, saunter in and dally like everyone else."
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