'I'm still angry 10 years after my husband was drinking and sleeping around'

03 September 2023 , 16:02

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'I’m paranoid that when the midlife crisis hits he'll cheat again' (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen,

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, we got married at 23 when I was pregnant with our first child and we’re both 37 now. I’d say our relationship is very good and we’re soulmates, but we went through a rough patch about 10 years ago when he went out a lot with his friends, drank too much and slept with other women.

It was horrible at the time and it nearly broke us up. I think, for him, it was a reaction to the responsibility he felt being a dad and husband. We spent our twenties looking after young kids, while most of our mates were free to do all the usual stuff young people do – partying and dating. I think he resented the fact we’d got together so young and felt he’d missed out.

He got his act together and we had a lot of support from family, and he is a great dad and partner. However, for some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about that time and feeling very angry about it. I’m also paranoid that when the midlife crisis hits, he’s likely to cheat again and I won’t be enough for him. I’ve started to question him and snoop a bit, although I haven’t found a crumb of evidence to worry about. Why am I thinking about all this now and what can I do about it?

Coleen says

Things are good now and your kids are older, so you have some breathing space, and maybe you’re terrified of something or someone coming along and spoiling it all. I think the anger is important because it suggests you didn’t get all the answers you were looking for from him when the marriage was in crisis.

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It’s OK to tell him how you’re feeling and try to talk it through. And maybe it would be a good idea to have some relationship therapy, especially if you didn’t go down this route at the time. I think you’re looking for reassurance and hopefully he’ll provide that. But don’t give yourself a hard time for your husband’s cheating and talk yourself into believing you’re not “enough”.

You were a young parent and partner with all the same pressures, but you didn’t react in the way he did. He’s responsible for his actions, not you. However, you agreed to move past it and have done that very positively and successfully over the past 10 years, both putting the work in. So be honest about how you feel, but don’t lose sight of what you have together now and the good things in your future.

Coleen Nolan