'Rishi Sunak's setting the world alight - another millionaire with a helicopter'

11 August 2023 , 12:44

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A lifetime of conspicuous consumption has not taught the Prime Minister the value of anything

Our scene is Downing Street. The Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has just been given the latest polling figures which show he's on course for the biggest Parliamentary defeat since Jeremy Corbyn tried to get foie gras banned from the Commons canteen.

"But I don't understand!" he's wailing. "I'm being cruel to migrants, I'm cutting the green crap, and I've unleashed Lee Anderson on an unsuspecting nation. I've ticked every box on the make-them-hate-everyone-else-more spreadsheet that Boris dribbled on. Is this dog whistle broken, or something?"

The members of his election team glance at one another, and one clears her throat. "There is some other news, Prime Minister. It seems that in one respect you are really setting the world alight." Rishi brightens up. "Really? That's brilliant! I'm on fire! YEAH! OK, what am I doing and how do I do more of it?"

"You've got the carbon footprint of Elon Musk on an ego trip, Prime Minister. You fly more often than a tramp smoking PCP. You've killed more people than James Bond. We really don't recommend you don't do any more of it, as it's causing absolutely every problem you've got on your desk."

"Bugger"

Fleet Street Fox