'My cousin copies everything I do, and now she is following me to university'

08 August 2023 , 17:15

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Reader is sick of her introverted cousin (stock image) (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen,

I’m an 18-year-old girl and would like some advice on how to deal with my cousin, who’s the same age and literally copies everything I do. Embarrassingly, she even wore the same dress as me to our school leavers’ prom and I felt like a total laughing stock.

I’d been planning my outfit and look for months and then she showed up in exactly the same thing. I ended up crying in the loos. It was a step too far. We kind of grew up together as our mums are sisters and very close, but while we got along when we were kids, we’ve grown in different directions and are very different people now.

I’m very sociable and outgoing, and love sports, dance and drama, while she’s quite introverted and struggles to make friends. Whenever I complain about her to my mum, she has a go at me for being unkind and rants about blood being thicker than water, but I just want to live my own life.

The worst bit of all, is that I was looking forward to going to a local university in the autumn to do a drama degree, but my mum has told me that my cousin will be going there, too, as she got a place through clearing. She’s obviously not doing my course, thank God, but it’s still too much. Please help.

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Coleen says

I understand how annoying this is, especially at your age when it feels so important to have your own identity. Your cousin sounds really lonely to me and clearly lacks confidence, so I think she probably uses you as a shield or a comfort blanket. Also there’s a lot of hero worship because you’re confident and popular.

She’s probably hoping that by copying you, some of your confidence will rub off on her and, if she goes to the same local uni, then she won’t be on her own and it’s close to home, too. If I were you, I’d tackle this in another way by trying to encourage her to find own identity. For example, you could say, “Let’s go shopping and I’ll help you pick some new things”. So, the way round it is to be supportive and emphasise that she’s a unique person and good enough as she is.

I know it’s difficult when you’re 18, but I think finding some empathy for her will help. It doesn’t sound as if she’s being mean and competitive, but just looks up to you and copies you because she doesn’t have the confidence to be herself.

I also think it’s OK to explain to her how you feel if it’s said in a supportive context and not in anger. Hopefully, she’ll find her own friends at university where there will be a diverse mix of kids and lots of opportunities to get involved in different things. And, if you have a special night out coming up, keep your outfit under wraps until you turn up!

Coleen Nolan