'I'm sure the Coronation is worth seeing but I'll find something more rewarding'

05 May 2023 , 21:06

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Watch repeats of Only Fools and Horses on Gold - it’s a funnier version of the fools and horses on the BBC (Image: BBC)

I’m one of the weirdos who doesn’t get turned on by grown men in medieval fancy dress or a pensioner wearing his mum’s sparkly hat for the first time.

Just one of the estimated 45% of UK citizens who will today seek an alternative to hearing Union flag-clad toadies clutching bemused children they’ve dragged 200 miles to be “part of our island story” tell TV interviewers that waving flags at strangers in a gold carriage makes Britain the envy of the world.

I’m sure there are things worth seeing at this Coronation: the row of gleaming medals on Prince Edward’s chest after spending five minutes in the Marines and bottling it, a bald Nicholas Witchell gutted he no longer has a forelock left to tug and the sheer gall of the princely pal of the paedophile once again hiding in plain sight.

Not to mention the comedy genius of Charles, who has scores of servants doing every task for him from putting toothpaste on his brush to testing seven boiled eggs for his breakfast, kicking off the costly farce with the words: “I come not to be served but to serve.”

Tourists are only supposed to come to ­Britain for the royals (AFP via Getty Images)

However, like almost half of the country, I’ll find something more rewarding to do than watch an obscenely rich man who didn’t even buy a ticket be confirmed as the latest royal lottery winner.

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So here is a Republican’s guide to how to spend the day.

Clean the house, making sure you get into all the grimy corners, because it will be the most honest form of bowing and scraping you’ll see today.

Watch repeats of Only Fools and Horses on Gold (as it’s a funnier version of the fools and horses on the BBC), Jurassic Park on Sky Cinema (as it’s more modern than the shenanigans going on in London) or Euronews, to see French rioters protesting against inequality as they have been doing since revolting against the monarchy in 1789.

Seek out homeless people being moved on by councils or police and tell them if they had been sleeping on The Mall they would be hailed the finest of patriots. Gatecrash a street party in a Meghan Markle mask, holding up old columns from journalists who used to say Charles was a vile adulterer and Camilla a scheming witch, who now say they are our pride and joy.

Find tourists in your neck of the woods and ask them why they are not in The Mall, as they are only supposed to come to ­Britain for the royals.

And instead of swearing an oath of allegiance to the new King as the Archbishop of Canterbury suggests, swear loudly in your garden, or down the pub, about a man worth £1.82billion, who pays no inheritance tax, fleecing taxpayers during a cost-of-living crisis for up to £250million (including security) to pay for his own party.

An amount that could give a donation of £178,571 to each of the 1,400 Trussell Trust foodbanks in the UK, or provide 103.7 million free school meals for kids whose parents have been forced on to the breadline by the policies of former Tory Prime Ministers sitting in the posh seats.

Have a nice day.

Brian Reade