'It was business as usual on Simon Cowell's contrived glitter and guff roadshow'

20 April 2023 , 18:25

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Britain's Got Talent returned to screens last weekend (Image: ITV)

Wasn’t that a lovely dream Declan Donnelly was having at the start of Britain’s Got Talent last Saturday?

In Dec’s reverie, he and Ant were scouring Britain for talented and entertaining people.

And they found so many their throng fair swamped the streets and bridges of London.

Then Dec woke up. A literal rude awakening, which over the course of the weekend, featured the following:

A bloke from Japan – and Asia’s Got Talent and France’s Got Talent – whose bum burps can propel darts and blow out the candles on a birthday cake.

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A stuntman from Hollywood – and US television’s Go Big Show – who can set himself on fire and complete a Rubik’s Cube.

Ant and Dec uncovered a host of talent on BGT - but sadly it was all a dream (ITV)

A woman from Devon – and Tik Tok – whose dance moves apparently represent everyday objects such as a stapler. Two grown men from Japan – and America’s Got Talent – who still play with yo-yos. Lots of cute kids – like, even more than usual. And not forgetting, of course, the opening weekend’s main attraction: A flamboyant conjuror from Ferrara, Italy – via LA and Strictly Come Dancing – whose entire (and, let’s be honest, utterly unconvincing) act seemed to consist of pretending he’d never seen BGT before.

So yes, it was very much business as usual – and we must now do our best to tolerate Simon Cowell’s contrived glitter and guff roadshow until June.

An onerous task, for sure. Yet nowhere near as difficult as the challenge poor Amanda Holden has been set.

It would appear Amanda has been placed in charge of regularly suggesting King Charles will be watching the BGT winner live at this year’s Royal Variety Performance.

It’s a nice thought, Amanda. However, as Charlie is such a stickler for tradition I suspect he will stay true to his late mum’s fine tradition of swerving it for all she was worth since 2012.

Your only hope is that Charlie’s coronation goes so badly, he’ll be desperate for the publicity come December.

Let’s face it, on the evidence so far, the talent certainly won’t be tempting him and Camilla along to the show.

Especially if the farty dart man increases his firing distance by enough to reach the Royal Box.

Ian Hyland