'Sunak's wonderful deal for Northern Ireland shows how little I understand'

04 March 2023 , 17:25

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Rishi Sunak has been busy hyping up his Northern Ireland deal this week (Image: POOL/AFP via Getty Images)

We’ve got a wonderful deal for Northern Ireland! Rishi Sunak said they are in an “unbelievable position” of being in the UK but also “Having access to the single market in Europe.” Isn’t that marvellous?

This proves how little I understand. I thought that when the UK was in the European Union, ALL of the UK was in the UK and had access to the single market in Europe.

But I must have got that wrong. The UK was actually in Trinidad, and only had access to a scrapyard on the outskirts of Southend.

Rishi Sunak must wonder if he can arrange other international deals. He can suggest that Argentina becomes part of Argentina, which would put it in the “unbelievable position” of having access to Argentina.

Mr Sunak's deal will have a lot of people confused (PA)

Maybe we could arrange a similar deal with other parts of Britain, such as Scarborough. We can announce that the area between the castle and Kwik-Fit will be in the single market. Then there can be a furious row for three years about where the border should be, with some people saying there should be a special customs area in Thoxenby. This might threaten civil war, with old tensions flaring up as far as Bridlington.

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After a few years it can be resolved and we can move on to setting up a border between Whitby and Saltburn.

Then he can announce more amazing deals. He’ll tell us: “You know that £23billion we spent on a test and trace system during lockdown and it didn’t work? We’ve got forty quid of it back! It’s in Nectar points that can only be used at Argos but WHAT A DEAL!

Former PM Boris Johnson

“And you know those illegal parties we had during lockdown? We’ve mopped up the sick. This is an amazing deal for Britain.”

Putin can do the same. He’ll gasp that he’s arranged a wonderful deal for Ukraine, as he’ll go round a street in Kyiv with a dustpan and brush and sweep up some of the rubble.

Politicians such as Boris Johnson once claimed we would get a better deal with Europe once we weren’t in the European Union, than we had when we were in it.

It’s strange how it hasn’t worked out that way. It was the same with my local gym. I used to be a member, and they would let me in. Then I left, and assumed I would now get a much better deal with them. I thought they’d come to my house and make the bed and water the plants.

So imagine how surprised I was when after I left, they wouldn’t even let me into the building, the bad-tempered arses.

But the marvellous thing about this Brexit game is we can play it at home. You poo on your favourite rug in the living room then smear it all over the wall. Six years later you sponge down a bit that’s gone on the fridge, and you announce you’ve got a marvellous deal for the kitchen.

Mark Steel