'If only Harry and Meghan had a house in Windsor, it'd all be so different'
If only Harry and Meghan could keep Frogmore Cottage, they'd visit more often.
If only Sue Gray hadn't written the Partygate report, Boris Johnson would still be Prime Minister.
If only Northern Ireland just did as it was told, Brexit would work.
Life is full of 'if onlys' and those who waste their time on them will never get anything done. If only Andrew Tate had more cuddles as a baby, if only Martin Lewis was Chancellor of the Exchequer, if only when Prince Andrew had a young woman thrown into his path he helped her up rather than helped himself. If only, pfft.
If only he could sweat, he might have seen it as a signal (US District Court - Southern Dis)If only your parents hadn't converted your bedroom to a gymnasium the moment you left home, you'd go back more often, would you?
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If only Sue Gray had declared her non-existent wish to work for someone who hadn't offered her a job yet, Boris would never have appointed an alleged sex pest to deputy chief whip, would he?
If only the EU and DUP could pretend, like the Tories do, that the Northern Irish border doesn't matter, we'd have a clearly-defined separation from a trading bloc, would we?
Of course you, he, and we wouldn't. Spend your time on the 'if onlys' and you'll never have time spare for considering or fixing the cock-ups left by the last idiots who said 'if only'.
"If only I could be Royal, and at the same time earn squillions as a TV star and podcaster" (Getty Images)Harry and Meghan left the UK. They own a £20m Californian mansion near her mother, and where their children are raised. Like it or not, they seem happy - she gets to wear big sunglasses every day and hang out with celebs, and he takes the dog to the beach followed by just the one pap, a Netflix crew, two podcast producers, and Oprah Winfrey's private jet.
They are not coming back to the UK in the same way I am not going to be a size 10 again, and the sooner we all accept that fact, the happier everyone will be. Of course someone else should move into Frogmore Cottage, a place they lived in for 6 months in 2019. There's a housing crisis on, although for the Royals that involves Uncle Andrew having to downsize to a priceless historic 5-bedroomed country home.
Bear in mind that, if it weren't for a deal struck in 1660 that we'd let the Royals live if they behaved themselves, and another in 1760 which said we'd let them have some money but government was down to us, Frogmore Cottage, Royal Lodge, and every other Royal residence would be ours.
Harry and Meghan have no more right to their former abode, or to complain about who lives in it, than a council house tenant who moved to Spain 3 YEARS AGO and has left it empty ever since.
If you want to be appalled, let it be at the fact that we let one family of benefit-dependents hand empty houses down the generations, when 230,000 people are sleeping rough, living in cars, dossing in sheds, or stuck in B&Bs.
Prince Andrew won't be downsizing to this, so perhaps he should stop whining too (Getty Images)You could tear up every last page of Sue Gray's report into Partygate. You could block her new job as chief of staff to PM-in-waiting Keir Starmer. You could even, in an alternate and entirely-fictional universe, find some way to prove that she was a card-carrying Leftie who plotted to bring Boris down from the start.
But you'd still find that police issued more lockdown fines to people in No10 Downing Street than at any other address in the country. You'd still find it was those same people setting the rules which criminalised thousands of others, for far milder things.
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Even if somehow you could make all of Partygate go away, you still have every last character flaw that Boris possesses. His chaos, his bluster, his ineffectiveness, his mismanagement of his own party, his instinctive threats and bullying, his financial irregularities, his wallpaper, his VIP lane, his WhatsApps, his lies to Parliament and the public, his lockdowns, and the 219,000 Covid deaths and the millions who were barred from holding the hand of a loved one who needed them, all because he has spent a lifetime treating deadlines like it wasn't him who'd die.
Personally, I think it's an absolute zinger that a woman whose name is a byword for ethics has agreed to steer Starmer's ship. Voters will have a clear choice between that and the whingeing tossers who say 'it's all so UNFAIR!' like CBeebies' whiny tantrum-bunny Bing.
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