'I'm spending so much time with my husband now it's driving me up the wall'

26 February 2024 , 16:23

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A reader's needy husband is driving her up the wall (Stock photo) (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

My husband and I are both in our early 50s and he’s been lucky enough to take early retirement. He stopped working at the end of October and I was really looking forward to spending more time with him, doing fun things.

But, if I’m honest, being together so much is driving me up the wall. We have long-term plans to move house, somewhere out of the city, and we’re going to the US for a driving holiday in the summer, from the East to the West coast, something we’ve always wanted to do.

However, I’m just not used to him being at home all the time and I’ve got my own routines and friendship groups. I stopped working full time about 10 years ago and now work freelance from home part-time. One of our kids is working abroad as a nanny and the other is at university, so we have an empty nest, too.

He wants to come everywhere with me, even if I’m just going to get a pint of milk! The truth is, I don’t want to do everything with him. I feel bad, though, as he’s really excited about all our plans and is loving not being in the office after a lifetime of working hard. How do I handle this sensitively?

Coleen says

Retirement (early or not) marks a huge shift in a relationship. You have to find a new rhythm as a couple and it can take time to adjust, so don’t panic. He’s probably a bit overly reliant on you at the moment because he’s still figuring out how to fill his days.

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Also, maybe he thinks you want him around all the time now he’s retired and doesn’t want to offend you by going off and doing his own thing.

So, a conversation is needed, but it doesn’t have to be one that upsets either of you. It’s more a case of, this is great, how are we going to manage it now we’re both at home all the time? How do we find space for ourselves? What things do we want to do together? Look at it as exciting instead of irritating.

Moving house and going on your road trip will be exciting, busy and fun, but it’s those times on a miserable Tuesday that you need to think about. There are probably lots of things that you can do together and some you can enjoy apart with different friends. But try not to look at it negatively. It’s a gift to have this time together while you’re still relatively young and healthy. It’s an adjustment, that’s all.

Coleen Nolan