'I'm my dad's caregiver - he told me I can't start living my life until he dies'
A woman has shared how her father told her in no uncertain terms that she needs to look after him until he dies before she can start living her own life. The 30-year-old caregiver, who lives with her parents, says she had a ‘decent childhood’ however she told how her 67-year-old father, had abused her: “Physically and mentally for as long as I can remember.”
And while she confirmed that the physical abuse had now stopped, she admitted that the mental abuse had continued, and was causing a huge family rift as a result. After successfully graduating with a degree, she admitted she had given up the chance of any career to care for her parents, resulting in a less than impressive CV and a plethora of her own health conditions, including a heart problem, an autoimmune disease, diabetes, arthritis, and severe depression.
She said: “I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, outside work (in the summer), laundry, taking care of our animals (lots of cats and a couple of dogs) doing the grocery shopping, getting the oil changed, cutting my dads hair etc.” She also admitted that with her father recently becoming wheelchair-bound and her mother suffering from many health conditions, she had become even more indispensable, driving them everywhere and managing their schedules and doctor appointments.
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She said: “It's a push 'n pull kind of relationship with my parents. I don't have to pay for anything, but I do mostly everything else. Because of this I haven't really been available to find a job, hence the poor resume.” After meeting her boyfriend seven years ago, things turned sour when she asked her parents if he could move in with them, resulting in a rage-fuelled rant from her father: “ My dad basically exploded at me. He told me that as long as his name was on the mortgage and he was living under this house there was no way he would let him live with us."
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After telling him that if she moved out her help would stop, her father shocked her with his response: “He told me that I should have waited until both of them (my parents) were dead and then I could go and do whatever I wanted. I felt as though all my time and effort into taking care of everything was worthless. That I wasn't supposed to have a life outside of them and that I was worthless.”
She continued: “I’m pretty broken up about the whole situation. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. I keep questioning myself. What am I supposed to do if my parents have to go into a long term care facility? What about the house? The animals? I feel like I'm having to choose between my parents and my boyfriend. I feel selfish for even asking them now.”
Reddit readers were fuming on the woman’s behalf, with many encouraging her to find the strength to leave the abusive environment: “Move out. Your dad has always been abusive and your mum has always been an enabler. It's not going to change. Start living your life before it's too late!” said one, while another agreed, saying: “Absolutely move out now and start living your life.”
Another reader said: “You’ve been caring for two grown adults for well over a decade. This tells me you are capable of taking care of yourself. If you don’t take this opportunity to live out and live your life, you will regret it. I think it’s weaponised incompetence on their part,” said another. “Acting more needy and dependent in order to manipulate and control you.”
One encouraged her to rethink her priorities: “Your first step is financial independence. Nothing else happens until then. That has to be your priority. You need to make enough that if you want you can move out and live 'ok' on your own. Until you have options, you have no power.”
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