Pop legend shares devastating health battle that almost drove her to the edge
During the first lockdown, singer and fashion model VV Brown left her Buckinghamshire home with a bag of pills and drove to a hotel, determined to end her life.
VV, real name Vanessa Brown, had suffered deep postnatal depression after welcoming both her daughters, now four and seven. Within a year of becoming a mum for the second time, following two decades of battling depression, anxiety and a secret eating disorder, she had entered her darkest hour.
“I wanted to die,” explains VV, 40. “After having my second child during lockdown, I went into a dark postnatal depression. I was going through life like I was a machine. I didn’t feel like I really existed. Then I crashed.”
Thankfully, while standing outside the hotel “contemplating suicide”, VV was spotted by her brother Sebastian, 33, a mental health nurse who had been searching for his beloved sibling, having been alerted by her artist husband Daniel Price, 39. “Seeing my brother was a huge relief as we have always been close” says VV. "It was a cry for help, for sure.
Pop legend reveals devastating health battle that almost drove her to the edge (Publicity Picture)
VV has opened up on her mental health battle (PA)“I have always battled with my emotions and mental health from a young age. I have a very sensitive soul.” Seb rushed VV to her GP who acted instantly, prescribing her a 12-week course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and sertraline antidepressants.
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“That day marked the beginning of positive change,” says VV. “CBT gave me coping strategies, which were amazing for helping me get out of moments where my mind was full of negative thoughts. Then I did about six months of psychotherapy to get to the root of why I was having panic attacks, depression and anxiety.”
VV’s struggles began when she was15, an age when she would spend hours dancing around her bedroom at home in Northants, copying MTV music videos, dreaming of a career in music – but also found herself obsessing about her body image.
“I was very focused on being a successful musician and felt like music was my only avenue, but as a female I knew that as well as practising my instruments, I had to look a certain way to make it,” she explains. “That way felt like unattainable beauty.”
At 5ft 11in, VV was a healthy and athletic size 12 but she started skipping meals, Then, when she turned 18 and moved to LA after signing a major record deal, her obsession with fitting what she calls “the stereotype of thin and beautiful” accelerated.
Within six months, she had dropped to a size 6-8, but masked her problem from loved ones by eating healthy portions during family meals whenever she returned to the UK.
“When I’d come home from LA, I would eat the Sunday dinner so to them, everything seemed fine, then I’d feel a massive sense of guilt,” explains VV. “Once I’d retreated from my family after a week of eating normally, I’d spend two months not eating.”
VV’s eating disorder was compounded by depression, which she believes began in her late teens when she felt under enormous pressure as a young, rising star musician living and working in Hollywood.
“I felt validated by my status and position as a musician, I was constantly anxious about how successful I was going to be, and wanted to do my best and deliver good music,” VV recalls.
“I battled feelings of inadequacy – never feeling good enough, cool enough, pretty enough, or talented enough. I endured bullying from journalists and faced the harsh reality of racism in the industry. All of that pressure created an invisible sense of depression.
“I began isolating myself, spending time in bed alone in the dark, going on big shopping sprees and leaning on materialistic things to fill a hole, crying for hours and obsessively going online, comparing myself to others.”
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VV was inwardly normalising her problems and says that for at least a decade “didn’t even realise” anything was wrong. But the penny dropped in her late 20s when (while also grappling with an addiction to sleeping pills), she was dropped from a multimillion-pound campaign, modelling womenswear and lingerie for a high-street retailer. “They took me off the campaign because I wasn’t eating and I nearly fainted during a shoot,” recalls VV. “Only then did I realise how serious my problems were.”
In 2013, VV stepped away from the music world in a bid to detach herself from industry pressures and heal before trying to start a family. But with her professional career on pause and in the thick of postnatal depression following the birth of her first child, VV found unexpected solace in food. Over five years she gained six stone.
Now over three years since her lowest moment outside the hotel, VV credits a new healthy attitude to food, exercise and wellbeing for not only improving her mental health.
“I have two girls so I’ve become so much more aware of myself and healthy living to be a good role model,” says VV, who has been off antidepressants for eight months and lost four-and-a-half stone since last year.
“I’m now a pescatarian, I go to the gym, I love outdoor swimming, meditation, exercise, being in the countryside and having less time in London – all of that is my sertraline. I still live with depression and have to deal with it but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”
VV’s newfound joy is also because, after a decade-long hiatus, she has returned to music. Next week, she releases her fourth album Am I British Yet?, which includes the rousing new single No Fear – a song about fighting for what is right, no matter what. Ironically music was my saviour,” smiles VV.
“I stopped caring about chart numbers and found a healthier balance between studio time and self-care. This album became a real source of healing and transformation. Now I’m a better wife, mother, friend, artist and person. Now I’m defining my own versions of happiness.”
V V Brown’s new album Am I British Yet? is out on Thursday.
If you're struggling and need to talk, the Samaritans operate a free helpline open 24/7 on 116 123. Alternatively, you can email [email protected] or visit their site to find your local branch
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