04 March 2024 , 15:36
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Few showbiz journalists have followed CBB like Daily Mirror Columnist Polly Hudson. Now as the show makes its big comeback - this time on primetime ITV - she tells this year's victims, sorry, housemates the vital lessons they must learn from past disasters, if they're to have any hope of avoiding career and reputational suicide.
Way back in 2001, some famous people including Jack Dee, Claire Sweeney and Chris Eubank agreed to take part in the first ever Celebrity Big Brother. It was for a good cause – to raise money for Red Nose Day – and they thought it would be easy, fun, and that Big Brother wouldn’t be as tough on them as he was on normal housemates. Oh, how wrong they were, luckily.
Viewers were mesmerised as these well known individuals revealed parts of themselves never before suspected, in ways that were both good and never-recoverable-from. The show launched a thousand copycats, but nothing was ever as good as the OG. And now it’s back. HOORAY. But what do the new contestants need to remember to triumph in the house? Simple. Just follow the seven rules of Celebrity Big Brother … although as viewers, let’s hope they don’t, eh?
Read more: Celebrity Big Brother stars spotted checking into hotel ahead of tonight's ITV launch
Fern Britton is rumoured to be heading into the Celebrity Big Brother house (Ken McKay/ITV/REX/Shutterstock)
Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne will be on the new series (GC Images)1. Don’t go into the house if your personal life is falling apart
Vanessa Feltz and Les Dennis were both in difficult periods of their lives – Vanessa had just been through a very public divorce, Les’ marriage to Amanda Holden was in trouble – when they entered the house. Turns out having nothing to do but think, while being closely watched and judged by millions isn’t ideal for one’s mental health. Who could have possibly predicted? Vanessa turned to furniture graffiti, Les had deep and meaningful chats with chickens. Neither emerged victorious, by anyone’s standards.
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2. Be clear
When David Bowie died in 2016, his ex-wife Angie was in the CBB house. Producers only break the ‘no contact with outside world’ rule in extreme circumstances, which this was deemed to be. They summoned Angie to the Diary Room and broke the bad news to her. Stunned and reeling, she came out, and told fellow housemate Tiffany Pollard, “David’s dead.” What followed was a comedy of errors, with such perfect choreography and timing that it’s almost unbelievable that it wasn’t written and endlessly rehearsed before the performance. Tiffany thought Angie was talking about contestant David Gest, who was lying in his bed alone in the bedroom, looking dead, and the (wrong) news spread round the house like a wildfire. Reality TV at its very best.
3. Pick your battles
Gemma Collins had a meltdown because she was claustrophobic (a word, it turned out, she didn’t know how to pronounce). Megan McKenna lost it over mashed potato. Leo Sayer left the house for good, through a fire exit he had just beaten with a stick, because he was certain Big Brother had stolen underwear that was actually just at the bottom of his suitcase. These are their legacies. Learn from them.
4. Make friends and influence people
Of course you’re not going to get on with every single person in the house with you, and to expect you will is unrealistic. However, everyone needs a friend or two, or at the very least, people you can be civil with, chat to. That’s just common sense seeing as you’re going to all be together for quite some time, never mind taking nominations into account. Everyone’s motto here should be WWKWD. What Would Kim Woodburn Do? Because Kim managed – pretty effortlessly it must be said - to turn the entire house against her, culminating in a verbal attack so extreme that security had to enter the house and remove her for her own good. So think, What Would Kim Woodburn Do? And then do the opposite.
5. Expect the unexpected
In the third series, Big Brother was just finding his celebrity feet, and threw a proper curveball for one poor housemate. Brigitte Nielson hadn’t seen her ex-mother-in-law Jackie Stallone (Sylvester’s mum) in years when she was put into the house as a surprise. Making matters worse, Brigitte had to be Jackie’s servant as part of a task, which she did with admirable grace. Of course everyone felt sorry for Brigitte but this uncomfortable moment also gifted BB fans with an iconic line, when Brigitte gasped, “Oh my God, Jackie!” and Jackie replied nonchalantly, “Yeah… Brackie.” So close (to getting your own name right.)
6. Don’t fall in love
Falling for another housemate if you have a partner on the outside, watching lovingly every evening to see how you’re getting on, is probably not the wisest move you can make – remember Sarah Harding and Chad Johnson, and Stephanie Davis and Jeremy McConnell? Stupider still is to have two love interests on the go in the same small, enclosed building, and ping pong between them in turn, telling each one they’re who you want to be with. No-one would be dumb enough to attempt that though, would they? Moment’s silence please, for Lee Ryan, who funnily enough got caught trying to date (polite word) fellow housemates Casey Batchelor and Jasmine Waltz simultaneously.
7. Don’t Be A Cat
Wherever he goes, whatever he does, George Galloway will never ever escape that moment. Also, we need a new word for cringe, because that doesn’t even come close.