08 August 2023 , 07:01
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Are you ready for nine months of petty arguing online, signing petitions to ban referees and grimly watching on as the teams with the most money somehow, miraculously win more matches than the teams who have less?
Well you'd better be, because the Premier League is coming BACK.
After the Football League returned last weekend, Friday sees the beginning of another top-flight season when Manchester City go to Burnley for the big kick-off at Turf Moor. Exciting isn't it? And it also means it is that time again.
That's right. While you'll find plenty of serious previewing and predicting the season elsewhere on these pages, if you want a largely arbitrary list of all of the new home and away kits that we'll see in the division in 2023-24 - not the third kits remember, they're too flaky - then you've come to the right place.
And if you didn't want that, we'll you're here now. Let's just try and make the best of it eh? And please at least try and keep it clean in the comments section.
Marcel Sabitzer completes Man Utd transfer after last-minute deadline day dash
In your own time lads: Chelsea away, Man City away, Tottenham away
Sorry Pep but online content waits for no man (Getty Images)So we're about to press publish on this three days before the start of the season, and after delaying for them for as long as we can we're going ahead without the away kits of Chelsea, Manchester City and Tottenham, because they don't officially exist yet.
There is usually at least one of these every season, but three?! And from three of the richest clubs in the country too. We can't wait forever, and while we might come back and update this when they do come out, for now we press on.
N/A: Brentford away
It'll be the same again for Brentford on the road
The Bees got a draw at Arsenal in their away kit last season (Getty Images)You know the drill with Brentford by now. This is the Bees' third season in the Premier League, and the third time they have opted to keep one of their shirts from the previous campaign in order to partially protect fans from the ever increasing costs of following their football team.
It's a great gesture to keep last season's away kit, and it's also a great shirt which came fourth in last season's rankings. You don't mess with a classic.
36. Manchester United away
An assault on the eyes
Luke Shaw trying to run away from his own shirt (AP)Where do you start? Perhaps with whatever designs adidas decided to overlook in favour of this... whatever it is... because they would be a better thing to look at.
The idea of Manchester United wearing stripes has an odd feeling to it anyway, but this dismal dark green really isn't doing anyone any favours, and with the adidas three stripes running down the sleeves too it starts to become an assault on the eyes.
What a shame too for those poor red pinstripes, so often a winner on these pages, to have to be subjected to this.
35. Arsenal away
Is that an eel coiled around a lollipop lady?
Martin Odegaard's expression says it all (AP)Well its different, at least there's that. But rather like Arsenal's title challenge post the 2-2 draw at Liverpool in early April, it is all over the place and might end in tears.
When this shirt was released it was met with a mixture of horror and amusement online, and while yellow away kits have rightly become a staple of the Gunners' wardrobe in the recent campaigns, this one is by no means a classic.
It's not the brightness of the kit which is the issue here, long-term readers would know that we've got nothing against that, or indeed yellow in any form, but the contrast with the waviness of drunk zebra lines just makes it all a bit too much. Again, a bit like that title challenge was for them in the end. What, too soon?
Man Utd deadline day live updates as Sabitzer completes loan move
34. Newcastle away
It's a nicer green than Man Utd's anyway, but then all greens are
Harvey Barnes has swapped the Foxes for the Magpies (Getty Images for Premier League)The less-than-subtle white and green makeover for Newcastle's change kits has been in place ever since the takeover, but while last season's crisp white shirt did look quite stylish, this one isn't so much.
The pattern on this season's dark green kit isn't too pleasing on the eye, with the dark detailing pretty easy to miss too. The Toon Army don't suit camouflage.
33. Bournemouth home
Just the wrong side of the er... line
Adam Smith, who somehow is only 32 it says here (Simon West/Action Plus/REX/Shutterstock)You don't get anywhere in this game without being a studious stickler for stripe width, and unfortunately for Bournemouth they've just fallen on the wrong side of the divide here.
It is a notoriously difficult line upon which to walk, and we don't blame kit manufacturers Umbro for this at all, but the black stripes are just a little bit too thick here, and that throws everything else out of whack.
It basically forces the red stripes to consider whether or not they are pinstripes, and you don't need us to tell you that pinstripes do not belong on a Bournemouth home kit. Imagine such a thing for one second.
These ones haven't quite reached pinstripe status but it was a fairly close call, and for that the Cherries find themselves down in the 30s. It is unfortunate but we do make the rules.
32. Wolves away
Very Morocco. If Morocco were sponsored by some sort of space currency
Matheus Cunha seems to like it anyway (Wolves Instagram)Again there is no Norwich City this year and so the Wolves away kit isn't going to be one that you'll see all that frequently, but frankly that is no bad thing.
They've had worse, oh boy have they had worse, but the odd pattern on the front just isn't doing it for this attempt, even if the red and green does go quite nicely together and gives them the air of a new Midlands IPL franchise we hadn't been aware of.
31. Tottenham home
It takes more than a couple of small sleeve details to get past us
This is Harry Kane in 2021, trust us (Getty Images)How will Nuno Espirito Santo get on at Tottenham? Should they have tried to make Gareth Bale's loan move permanent? Is this Emerson Royal character really worth £25.8m?
No we haven't gone mad, we've just been transported back to the summer of 2021 given that the Spurs home kit is pretty much exactly the same as the one they had back then, and that is simply not going to cut it in these rankings.
It's one thing keeping the actual kit from a previous season a la Brentford, but charging fans £80 for something many of them pretty much already owned? Nah. It's the 30s for you.
30. Brentford home
Hollywood is still coming to Hounslow
Rico Henry models Brentford's second Premier League home kit ahead of their third season (Getty Images for Premier League)Maybe its because we just got so used to seeing Brentford in their home kit, which as discussed above they wore for two seasons, but this effort just isn't an upgrade.
The red stripes decide that they want to merge with the black shorts about three quarters of the way down the top, and you get something that's a bit more Bilbao than Kew Bridge.
29. Everton away
Well you won't miss them
It's probably aimed at a younger audience, Ashley (Getty Images)It's a modern twist on a 1993-94 away kit for Everton on the road this season, and it certainly makes them stand out on their travels.
It would have been better if, like that shirt from 30 years ago, they'd made a bit more of a commitment to the stripes here though, as what they've ended up with is something that seems to want to be stripy but just can't seem to go the whole way. Like Everton's starting XIs for most of their away games last season, that won't get you any points here.
28. Fulham home
Fulham's sleeves just can't seem to agree with one another
Harry Wilson's hair is an option extra (Stuart Wallace/REX/Shutterstock)Now believe it or not there are some people who get angry about this list every year, and it will be because of stuff like this.
You see Fulham could, if they'd wanted to, have made the adidas stripes on both of their sleeves the same colour, but instead they made one red and one white in order to, you'd imagine, stand out from the crowd a little. But it has only set them back.
White striped sleeves? They'd probably be low 20s. Red striped ones? Might squeeze into the 10s. There'd be the opportunity for a lame joke about a Jamaican lager in there too, which one of us would enjoy at least.
But a sleeve of each colour? It's just not landing, and coupled with the almost obligatorily weird gambling sponsor it has led them here. 28th. Onward.
27. West Ham away
A touch of east London minimalism
Nayef Aguerd, a walking Betway billboard (Simon Dael/REX/Shutterstock)Last season's West Ham away kit has passed into club folklore following the Europa Conference League victory, but after that strip featured the part-flame, part-horrendous looking accident red-orange pattern on the front, this time around it is staunch a minimalist approach from the Hammers on the road.
Even the club crest and the Umbro logo are white, making the sponsors' logo stand out in a way that it does on few other shirts. They'll be pleased, but they might be the only ones.
26. Fulham away
She's everything. They're just Fulham.
Here's Ken(ny Tete) (Fulham FC Twitter)Margot Robbie is a Fulham fan. If you know a Fulham fan they'll tell you that. And if you watch Fulham away from home this season then you'll get a decent idea of it too.
That's because Fulham's away kit has more than a hint of Barbie about it, which of course isn't a bad thing, but it is a very bright thing. Still, it'll cut down on the floodlight bills for plenty of clubs.
Which is your favourite Premier League kit for the 2023-24 season? Have your say in the comments section
25. Nottingham Forest home
Forest haven't branched out much this season
Wales' Neco Williams will feel at home in this (MI News/NurPhoto/REX/Shutterstock)There isn't much of a change from last season's look for Nottingham Forest, and that is absolutely fine. Having impressively survived on their Premier League return in 2022-23, Steve Cooper's side have gone for the solid red and white with the famous adidas stripes.
The lack of sponsor, for now, means that it's very Wales Euro 2016. And that is a very good thing to be.
24. West Ham home
Bubbles!
Bubble boy Jarrod Bowen (Getty Images)After finally having a dream that didn't fade and die last season, West Ham have decided to milk it. And so they should.
The reigning Conference League holders and new Europa League participants are back with a shirt which doesn't mess about until you get to the bottom of it, where the club's famous bubbles make an appearance. They're almost as famous as Knollsy.
23. Sheffield United home
Not as good as a greasy chip butty
New boy Anis Ben Slimane will seek to earn his stripes (Matt West/REX/Shutterstock)The Blades are back, and unlike Brentford they haven't messed about with their red and white stripes, which is something to be grateful for in a Premier League season without Southampton.
The Yorkshire club are another side who are awaiting a sponsor for the new season, but that has allowed them to produce this crisp effort in which the stripes stand out thanks to the black detailing on the sides.
22. Brighton home
It's not quite pier-less, but it's fine
It will take a lot of money to stop Moises Caicedo from wearing this (Getty Images for Premier League)There is a definite hint of Brighton's shirt from their first Premier League season in 2017-18 about this one, but that is long enough in the past for them to be allowed to get away with it. In a season where they'll be playing European football, the Malaga and Deportivo La Coruna vibes of yore are pretty welcome additions as well.
Roberto De Zerbi's side will be strutting their always impressive stuff at home and abroad in this number which features a solid pattern on the sleeves and then a fairly traditional stripe length, and it's decent. Yep, we're into the 'decent' ones.
21. Luton away
You won't get anywhere without an obscure gambling company sponsoring you, lads
Tahith Chong is now a Hatter (Getty Images)So it is a warm welcome to these pages to Premier League newcomers Luton Town, who arrive having swapped between white and orange as their home and away colours for several years now. They swap between those colours within the same kits too.
Their away offering for their big top-flight return sees a smart orange sideways sash - is that a thing? We'll go with it - running over the badge and down to the bottom of the shirt.
It's nice, so nice in fact we'd be keen to see it in reverse...
20. Luton home
It's a role reversal at home for the Hatters
Chiedozie Ogbene gets used to his new kit (Phil Duncan/REX/Shutterstock)Well would you look at that. They've only gone and done it. Luton's home and away kits are exact reversals of each other, and they are both pretty good too.
The Premier League newcomers have copied a stance we often see from World Cup minnows in simply reversing the colours of their strips, but this is a distinctive number and a good addition to the division.
19. Bournemouth away
Don't get washed away
New boy Milos Kerkez tries not to get distracted by his own shirt (James Marsh/REX/Shutterstock)If you ever find yourself needing a period of reflection but you don't have a sea to wistfully stare into nearby, go and watch a Bournemouth away game.
There's a calming blue ocean feel to the Cherries on the road this season, and they'll hope that will have a relaxing effect on their opponents, who might just take their eye off the ball and get lost in the waves.
18. Chelsea home
Yep, they've cleared out the sponsor too
Nicolas Jackson on the ball for West London Blue (Shaina Benhiyoun/SPP/REX/Shutterstock)There is something of a sense of a new club starting at Chelsea, with a raft of new signings, young players emerging and a new manager in tow, and they seem to be playing in some sort of template kit this season.
It is very... plain, and while that is no bad thing of course as we all love shirts without a sponsor, it does all add to the sense of oddness around the club. There's a strange shiny badge too.
17. Sheffield United away
There's more sponsorless fun in Sheffield
Away shirted Anel Ahmedhodzic and some arras' (Sheffield United Instagram)Sheffield United will be going yellow on the road on their Premier League return, and this is a more than decent change kit which, you'd imagine, will eventually be furnished with a sponsor in due course.
No matter though, we all know the modern game, and the red and black pattern on the collar with the almost V neck makes it a fine kit regardless. Looking sharp, Blades.
16. Burnley away
You won't miss Burnley on the road this season
Andros Townsend, who has been on trial with the club, could add some experience to this kit (Getty Images)Too high? Maybe. But we're into the middle reaches of this thing now and we can't be bothered going back. And no, we didn't forget about this one earlier, promise.
It's okay though isn't it? Yellow away kits are usually a ratings winner around here, and Luton-esque 'sideways sash (TM)' looks good coming in slightly off the side of the shirt.
15. Manchester United home
Still none the wiser as to what a Team Viewer is
Still looks a bit weird doesn't it? (PA)Their away kit may be a new inductee into the Premier League's all-time hall of shame, but Manchester United's home number for 2023-24 thankfully isn't too bad at all, with adidas pulling off a sleek design that doesn't have too much to dislike about it.
The black detailing on the collar and three stripes stands out next to the white of the adidas logo and sponsor, which makes for a very United feel to it all.
The shirt will also be seen in the big time on the Champions League stage for the coming campaign, and we can only hope that United take on as many clubs as possible who don't also wear red, so then we won't have to see that awful away kit.
Yes we're still thinking about it. Aren't you?
14. Brighton away
Sassuolo comes to Sussex
If you gaze at Julio Enciso's kit for too long he'll be past you (Getty Images for Premier League)This is another one that is likely to split opinion, but then Brighton never like to do things conventionally anyway. There will be a player who plays in this shirt that by the end of the season you'll want your club to spend £70m on, so you might as well get used to it.
After the Spanish-style home shirt this is something of an Italian away, and it'll look good on those Europa League trips.
13. Liverpool home
AI, design me a Liverpool home kit
Luis Diaz, really enjoying being in 13th place (Getty Images)Speaking of the Europa League, Liverpool are back in it this season and so to celebrate they've brought out a kit that reminds fans of the late 1990s when they were rubbish.
We joke, of course, it's actually a kit modelled on the glory days of the 1970s and not the the one which was sported by such luminaries as Phil Babb and Rigobert Song towards the back end of the previous century.
And it's a good one too, with the while rounded collar and tips of the sleeves a nice touch, and the classic Liver bird emblem still allowed to soar free on the shirt and not be cooped up inside a messy badge.
The red seems a bit lighter than last season's effort, and Liverpool fans are sure to welcome anything that is different from that mess of a campaign.
12. Aston Villa home
Castore: Not just for Andy Murray and Ben Stokes
A nice enough kit to stay in the Midlands for (Getty Images for Premier League)Castore having quite made the inroads into football that they have in other sports, but with Aston Villa and Newcastle under their belts, as well as Wolves, this promises to be a campaign when we'll see a lot of them at home and abroad.
Yes, Villa will be keeping up the Premier League's claret and blue tradition in the Conference League in this fine effort, and it is a shirt that could go far in Europe.
11. Wolves home
We already made the space currency joke didn't we?
Hwang Hee-chan there, devastated to miss out on the top 10 (Natalie Mincher/SPP/REX/Shutterstock)Castore again, and a classic look to this Wolves shirt which just about hits the right shade of old gold.
You may not realise it, but the precise shade of the Wolves shirt is an annual fascination around these parts, and after going suspiciously bright for a couple of seasons - to this observer's eye anyway, other opinions are available - this looks just about right.
10. Crystal Palace home
It's a daring half-and-half look for Palace this season, and it works
Eberechi Eze would be impressive in any kit (Getty Images)As we all know the Premier League needs clubs to experiment with their stripes, and with Southampton having been relegated there was a worry among kit enthusiasts - that's what we call ourselves on the forums - that no-one was going to step up to the plate this season, but thank heavens for Crystal Palace.
The Eagles have landed with this lovely half-and-half design which is a pleasing addition.
Which is your favourite Premier League kit for the 2023-24 season? Have your say in the comments section
9. Nottingham Forest away
Argentina meets Salvador Dali by the backs of the Trent
Morgan Gibbs-White with blue wavy lines (Jeroen Meuwsen/Orange Pictures/REX/Shutterstock)The rage is going to be strong with this one, isn't it? Forest's away kit is certainly different, but it's also pretty good as well, with the stripes taking on something of a life of their own as they make their way off to the side of the shirt, something that, we'll be honest, we're pretty into.
Oh no we've lost you haven't we?
8. Aston Villa away
When a plain white shirt is more than *just* a plain white shirt
Emi Buendia at his crisp, gleaming best (Getty Images)The examples provided by the likes of Tottenham and West Ham above show what can happen when you don't put too much thought into a white away kit, and they could certainly have done with the type of imagination on show in the Castore meeting when they discussed what Villa would be wearing on the road.
There's a pleasing pattern on the front of this one, and coupled with the slightly dropped neck and light blue detailing it's a fine effort.
7. Newcastle home
Stripe-tastic
Miguel Almiron sizes up his perfectly striped options (Getty Images for Premier League)It is always a hotly contested battle every season, but ahead of a campaign when they'll make a return to the Champions League and hold genuine ambitions of sticking around in the top four, Newcastle United have already managed to win the big one.
The Magpies are our stripe champions for 2023-24, with the width them looking just about right on what is a classic looking home kit.
6. Burnley home
It is the detail on the collar which make this one pop
It's a Corker (Pressinphoto/REX/Shutterstock)Burnley are back in the big time after just one season away, with the high-energy, high-pressing, baseball capping Vincent Kompany cutting a swathe through the Championship last season with something that looks nothing like Dyche-ball.
This certainly looks like a Burnley kit though, and it's a great one, with the claret and blue championship claimed from West Ham and Aston Villa on its return to a three-team format.
5. Everton home
The Hummel chevrons always have their place in our hearts
Andre Onana is wondering about the lack of white shorts too (Paul Greenwood/REX/Shutterstock)You can file this one along with that Burnley kit as a shirt that is doing exactly what you expect of it, and it is doing it very well.
Again as with Burnley it is the strong collar work that is making this one stand out, and then when you couple that with the Hummel chevrons running down the sleeves it's a fine piece of work.
4. Liverpool away
Thankfully they haven't remade the cream suits
Ibrahima Konate likes the kit so much he's bought matching boots (Suhaimi Abdullah/NurPhoto/REX/Shutterstock)Ah the mid-1990s. Oasis vs Blur, Gareth Southgate vs penalties and the Spice Girls vs the Spice Boys, the latter of whom commanded almost as many column inches as their female counterparts, but it was never really for the best reasons.
Never mind, the Liverpool vintage of 2023-24 will be paying homage to one of their most iconic kits, with a white and green quartered strip seen with the Reds on the road this season.
And it works. The green is a fair few shades brighter than that 1995-96 shirt - which is most commonly associated with the 1996 FA Cup Final, after those white suits obviously - and it makes for a modern, standout kit that is good to look at.
Let's face it though, anything would be better than last season's dizzying monstrosity which failed to produce a win until April.
3. Manchester City home
How do you improve on a treble? Do it with a V-neck shirt
It's going to look great on John Stones when he transitions into a forward this season (PENTA PRESS/REX/Shutterstock)While finishing bottom of last season's list led to Liverpool's away kit becoming cursed, finishing top of the pile was all the inspiration Man City's home shirt needed to pull off a treble. At least we can only presume.
This season's number hasn't finished top of the shots but it is another fine effort from Puma, with the detailing on the white V-neck a thing of beauty.
2. Arsenal home
A shirt to go one better in?
You'll get used to it one day, promise (Dave Shopland/REX/Shutterstock)We all saw those cruel jokes about the gold detailing on the strip meaning that the Gunners thought they'd be coming into this season as reigning champions, but in truth it greatly improves what is another nice home kit.
Arsenal usually get the job done when it comes to their traditional red and white, and the added zigzag pattern going down the shirt works here too.
The Gunners are heading back into the Champions League this season of course - for the first time in six years - and so there was pressure on them to look good, and they've delivered here.
The ongoing attempts to make us all try and visit Rwanda could probably do with coming to an end some time soon though.
1. Crystal Palace away
It's Palace who sashay away with this year's prize
It looks even better with Will Hughes' hair (MICAH CROOK/PPAUK/REX/Shutterstock)We're off to south London for our No.1, or rather south London is off to us given that Crystal Palace will be wearing this lovely number on their travels this season, and that is something to look forward to.
A Palace away shirt always has to be pretty nice due to the sheer amount of times they'll wear it - plenty of reds or blues in this division - but the Eagles have topped off a fine year for their shirts with this super sash and small V neck effort. This is the real reason Roy Hodgson came back.