23 July 2023 , 14:28
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Dear Coleen
I’m a married woman in my late 30s and, a couple of weeks ago, my husband batted me away when I started kissing him, blurting out that he’s not “always in the mood for sex”.
I felt really humiliated and embarrassed that he thinks I’m some kind of sex-crazed, clingy woman.
I’ve always been very affectionate and touchy-feely – that’s just who I am as a person. I literally had no idea it annoyed him so much.
Now, I’m too embarrassed to initiate sex, which I always did before his outburst, and I feel I can’t even hug him or show any affection. It’s like I’m walking on eggshells and I don’t know how to behave.
We haven’t talked about it at all. It’s been a case of burying our heads in the sand and pretending nothing happened, but we haven’t made love since.
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I’m starting to get angry about it now and feel he’s behaving like a baby. I want to sort it out, but the anger and rejection is stopping me.
I really think it’s up to him to apologise and make the effort to make me feel better about it all. I’d love your opinion on what to do next.
Coleen says
So, it’s a stand-off situation. Look, it might be that he’s a bit tired or stressed at the moment and instead of talking to you, he’s snapped and it’s come out badly.
Naturally, you feel rejected and also self-conscious about showing affection, but I think you have to make the point that every time you show him affection you’re not expecting it to lead to sex.
I’m afraid the only way to resolve this is to get your heads out of the sand and talk about it.
Discuss how it made you feel, but also address what was at the root of his outburst.
At the moment you have no clue. He could simply be irritable because he has a lot on his mind or there could be a deeper reason involving your relationship in general.
Communication is crucial, so I would stop worrying about who’s right and who’s wrong and who needs to make the first move, and be the one to initiate a conversation.
It’s never easy to talk about feelings around sex and intimacy, but the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to get close again and the resentment will grow.
Good luck.
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