27 March 2023 , 22:00
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Dear Coleen
I’m a woman aged 29 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He’s great, we’re so in love and have lots of exciting plans for our future.
His older sister has recently moved back to the UK and I hadn’t met her until recently.
His whole family idolise her and really missed her when she was away. She’s outgoing and has this big, adventurous personality. However, when I met her, a couple of weeks ago, she was pretty horrible to me!
I wasn’t expecting her to be like that at all, especially given what her family had said about her. She was cold when we were introduced and said: “Oh, so you’re the girlfriend”. I laughed, but her tone and the way she looked at me was icy.
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It made me feel like I’d done something wrong or people didn’t approve of me. I get on really well with the rest of his family – his parents and two younger brothers.
For the rest of that day, she deliberately left me out of conversations or talked over me, and at the end of the day, all she said was: “Oh, bye”, and gave me a dismissive wave.
What is her problem and what should I do?
My boyfriend loves her, obviously, and I don’t know how he’ll react if I bring it up.
Coleen says
Perhaps she’s used to having a special place as the only girl in the family and is used to being centre of attention, and you’ve come along to throw a spanner into the works. So, there might be a bit of jealousy there.
I would advise you to just do your best; always be friendly and polite, and don’t give her any reason to have a problem with you. People will see you’re being nice, while she’s being unfriendly and might call her out on it.
And if you two stay together, she’ll have to grow up and get over it. Also, you might find that as you get to know each other better, you’ll find things in common and she’ll get used to it. When families evolve and new people come in, it can take a while for people to adjust and for relationships to adjust, too.
If you are going to bring it up with your boyfriend, don’t do it in an angry way. Say casually: “I’m not sure your sister likes me and I don’t know what to do about it. It’d be good if we could be mates.”
You might find she’s been a bit snooty with every girl he’s brought home or that she just takes a while to warm up.
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I don’t think it’s worth making a big deal of and spoiling what you have with the rest of his family. Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend – that’s what’s important.