11 March 2024 , 21:22
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Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s with two young children and I’ve always found it tricky to meet friends and keep friendships going. I’m not sure why this is. I think I’m quite shy deep down, even though I’m chatty when I’m out and about or at the school gates.
I do have good friends I’ve known for years, but we don’t live near each other any more as I relocated with my husband and children, and I haven’t made the same kind of meaningful friendships here. I do have one person I’d consider a good friend but, honestly, she’s quite unreliable and not available that much. I’m starting to get paranoid that she doesn’t actually want to be friends with me, but doesn’t have the heart to tell me!
She often says she’s busy with her kids and work, like it’s an excuse for falling off the radar. But the other day, when I was walking past the coffee place that all the mums go to, she was in there with a group of people. Honestly, I felt so hurt, I actually cried on the way home. I feel pathetic for feeling like this – have you any advice?
Coleen says
It can be really tricky to navigate meeting new people – you don’t want to come across as needy and desperate, so they feel your happiness is their responsibility. But, also, if you don’t make a big effort, then you will never get to know anyone.
You might not be intentionally putting a desperate vibe out there, but maybe you’re overthinking everything, so when you’re out with this friend or a group of people, you might find it hard to relax, have a laugh and just be yourself. Also, you’re probably reading way too much into seeing your friend with a bunch of people in the coffee shop.
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People have different friendship groups from different parts of their life, so why would you be invited to everything? It is harder to make friends when you’re older and, if you’re a mum, you don’t necessarily have stuff in common with the other mums, apart from your kids. Just because your children are friends doesn’t mean you’re a good match.
Work on your self-esteem and confidence. There are hundreds of great podcasts, apps and books that can help. Also, put yourself out there and really fight through the shyness. Try new things that put you in touch with others. Learning a new skill is perfect because everyone is new and in the same boat.
Years ago, one of my sisters was feeling at a loose end and wanted to learn to sketch, so she joined an art class and loved it, and met loads of great, interesting people. Give something like this a go.