10 March 2024 , 19:26
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Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we have two kids aged nine and 12. The relationship started one drunken night when we bumped into each other at a club and everything happened very fast after that.
I got pregnant within weeks of us meeting, but it felt right, so we moved in together and got married the year after our daughter was born.
Now, though, the cracks are showing in our relationship. The things that really attracted me to him in our 20s just annoy me now. I loved that he was the life and soul of the party, even if he did get too drunk and take things too far.
He’s a very funny guy and people love having him around, but it’s not fun for me. These days, I dread going to a friend’s house for dinner because I know he’ll go over the top and do something stupid and then have a horrible hangover the next day, and I’ll have to sort the kids out.
The last time we went out, he offered to move a car as it was blocking someone in, and smashed it into a bollard. He also managed to set fire to his own hair on a candle. It’s not funny any more. I need him to grow up! Any suggestions?
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Coleen says
I understand your predicament and I bet if you do say something to your husband or your friends, you’ll be accused of being the “fun police”. I rarely have an alcoholic drink, so I see these situations unravel – when someone crosses the line from merry and fun to hammered and out of control.
I think it’s important to tackle this when your husband is sober. Find a day when you have his attention and tell him that you love him, but you can’t stand being around him when he’s drunk – it’s no longer funny or attractive.
He needs to know where the line is and if he finds that difficult, then he needs to think of ways to avoid that tipping point.
I think it helps to know what circumstances lead to him going over the top – for example, maybe certain friends egg him on to act the clown, maybe some situations make him feel nervous, maybe he doesn’t where to draw the line.
He needs to think about this stuff before he goes out and not just wing it on the night and hope for a different outcome.
And while all these mates will be laughing, trust me, they’ll be very grateful they’re not waking up with him all hungover the next day.
Maybe he needs to do a bit of self-reflection. Does he think this is what people expect of him? Is he struggling to leave his youth behind? There’s no reason why he can’t still be the life and soul of the party without going over the top.
Finally, if the message isn’t sinking in, then refuse to accompany him to parties or the pub until he reforms.