20 February 2024 , 16:30
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Dear Coleen
I need advice on handling a situation with my sister-in-law. The rest of my family (including her husband, my brother) keep having a go at me for not being more supportive of her.
So here’s the scenario – she was having an affair for several months and when she tried to end it, the guy she was cheating with told my brother and all hell broke loose.
My brother was devastated, and they split up for a couple of weeks. But then they decided to stay together and work on their marriage through counselling. But now the guy she was seeing has gone a bit loopy as he can’t accept the relationship is over.
He keeps calling her and turning up at different places, hoping to speak to her.
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She’s even contacted the police to find out about a restraining order.
Now everyone has rallied around her and they’re being very sympathetic while I’m just so angry she cheated on my brother and created this nightmare situation.
I know she feels bad and worried, but it’s her fault all this is happening.
My brother called me the other day, saying that my sister-in-law could do with another woman to talk to, but I just told him I’d think about it.
Am I being too harsh? It’s just that I love my brother and feel so bad for him. Everyone seems to have forgotten that he’s the victim here.
Coleen says
I’m sure she does feel worried and also very guilty, so I’m not sure piling more guilt on to her and pointing out that it’s all her fault is the way to go.
She knows this is down to her and so does everyone else.
But the pressing issue is managing the situation with her spurned lover. It’s easy as an outsider to make judgments and to think we know what goes on in people’s relationships, but we don’t have a clue.
The fact is, your brother has decided he wants to stay married and work through the problems, and they’re having therapy, which shows they’re both committed. And if he’s willing to move on, then I think you have to accept it.
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Maybe if you did reach out to her, she’d open up to you and the affair might make more sense in context. Also you’d have a chance to express how you feel. I’m not condoning the affair for a minute – if a relationship is struggling there are always other options before jumping into bed with someone else.
But there’s always a reason for an affair – it’s usually a symptom and not the cause of a relationship breakdown. Perhaps if you show a little kindness and empathy, it’ll help both you and your sister-in-law – but the fact remains it’s your brother’s life and his decision.