31 December 2023 , 08:30
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It’s that time of year again: quit smoking, join a gym, learn to play the guitar, give up booze and put away the chocolate for 2024 is here!
Banish those post-Christmas blues, get healthy and bring forward those good intentions, for the world is within your grasp. OK, that’s enough self-help, let’s talk about what you’re really here for: something much more important. Premier League football.
The 2023/24 campaign is at its halfway point and, as ever, there are some happy clubs, some middle-of-the-road sides and some utterly miserable ones. Whatever the mood, New Year’s resolutions have to be made, if not stuck to. So without further ado, here are 20 extremely important and absolutely serious things each club needs to do to make 2024 the best year ever.
Arsenal
Learn to cope with the pressure of being a frontrunner
We all know that the turn of the year last season brought woe for Arsenal, as they were reeled in by the unrelenting excellence of Manchester City. This time around they have Declan Rice, but they could also do with some deep-breathing exercises and positive incantations. Say it with me: “We can win the Premier League!”
Marcel Sabitzer completes Man Utd transfer after last-minute deadline day dash
Aston Villa
Live in the moment
Villa are in fantastic shape, riding high under Unai Emery, who has them dreaming of a top-four finish and, who knows, probably the Europa League title in the not so distant future. So, as Baloo sings in The Bare Necessities, they should forget about their worries and their strife. Enjoy the good times while they last. You were in the Championship not long ago.
Relax, Unai, it'll all be fine (Getty Images)Bournemouth
Shed your plucky underdog status
Yes, you play in a tiny ground. Yes, you don’t have the storied Premier League history of others. But you have one of the most exciting coaches in the game and a free-flowing attack-minded team who can give anyone a run for their money. There will be more results like the 3-0 at Old Trafford to enjoy.
Brentford
Unearth another brilliant yet unheralded star
Things are a bit tricky at Brentford at present. Thomas Frank has lost his edge a touch over the past few months, with some uncharacteristically poor results coming in. Time, I think, for the Bees to sign a player nobody has heard of but who turns out to be a star in the making. Thomas, it’s time to get on the phone to your scout in the Danish second division.
Brighton
Learn to cook some classic Italian dishes
Brighton boss Roberto De Zerbi needs the tastes of home to stay on the south coast... probably (Robin Jones/Getty Images)Roberto De Zerbi has only been in charge of Brighton for 15 months, but he is already being linked with other jobs. Real Madrid and Barcelona are among those keeping an eye on the spiky-haired Italian, who has wooed them with his sexy playing style. To keep Roberto’s eyes from wandering, it may be worth mastering Italian cookery. Keep his belly full and the Europa League will follow… probably.
Burnley
Lift the curse on Turf Moor
It’s not been a happy hunting ground at home for Burnley this season. Ten games have yielded just one win (albeit by a 5-0 scoreline), with nine defeats coming by an aggregate scoreline of 24-5. Vincent Kompany has vowed to stick by his playing style, so it’s probably wise to remove the ladder the players keep walking under and the black cat crossing their path, because there is something amiss at Turf Moor.
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Chelsea
Impose strict spending limits
Todd Boehly needs to have his pocket money taken away (PA)The cost of living crisis clearly hasn’t been communicated at Stamford Bridge, where Todd Boehly and Co have been spending money like it’s going out of fashion. But they are no longer allowed to hand out eight-and-a-half-year contracts and you would hope that development might help snap the Chelsea decision-makers out of their trance. Buying yet more players isn’t the answer to all your problems.
Crystal Palace
Put your feet up and enjoy the finer things in life
Roy Hodgson is fed up with VAR. He’s fed up with the inconsistencies of refereeing in the Premier League. He is 76 years old and has been in management since 1976. He is a fighter who would be loathed to quit just as things got tough for Palace, but maybe 2024 will be the year he gives up the stress of football and puts his feet up. He’s definitely earned a nice holiday.
Everton
Swat up on law
Everton fans have protested against the 10-point deduction (PAUL ELLIS/AFP via Getty Images)Sean Dyche has rectified things on the pitch for Everton, installing his trademark brand of pragmatic, efficient and effective football. But the perceived injustice of the 10-point deduction remains a serious bone of contention on Merseyside. The legal battle with the Premier League will likely rumble on for some time, so now is a good time to swat up on the legal argument and potential precedent.
Fulham
Push the boundaries of away day food even further
Whether fairly or not, Fulham supporters have developed a reputation for being the most middle class fans going. Twitter has frequently been set alight by photos showing a selection of Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference range smoked salmon and posh cheeses, alongside bottles of rose. I’m all for it. Please take it to the next level in 2024. Some heads might even explode.
Liverpool
Teach Darwin Nunez the offside rule
At the time of writing, Darwin Nunez sits top of the charts for offsides in the Premier League this season, level on 16 with Nottingham Forest ’s Anthony Elanga. The Uruguayan plays on the last shoulder of the defender, with his pace in behind an obvious weapon for Liverpool. But surely there is an improvement to be made there. He has also spurned 15 ‘big’ chances – the second highest number in the top flight this season. With Mo Salah off to the Africa Cup of Nations, the Reds could do with Nunez honing his game.
Luton
Do it for the skipper
Tom Lockyer is recovering at home after suffering a cardiac arrest on the pitch against Bournemouth earlier this month. Rob Edwards appears to have galvanised his players, who have shown remarkable mental fortitude in the games since the horrible incident. They can upset the odds and stay up this season.
Luton are playing for Tom Lockyer (George Wood/Getty Images)Manchester City
Prove the doubters wrong
They said we couldn’t win a fifth Premier League title in six years. They said Erling Haaland was a one-season wonder. They said Kevin De Bruyne would be a huge miss. They said we would burn out after an historic 2022/23 season. They said we had breached 115 regulations over the course of 14 seasons. We will prove them all wrong.
Manchester United
Suck up to the new bosses
INEOS are in town at Manchester United (Michael Steele/Getty Images)INEOS are in town and they mean business. Sir Jim Ratcliffe may be a United fan, but he hasn’t invested £1.3billion out of loyalty. He wants a return on his investment and reports that Sir Dave Brailsford’s audit will lead to job losses suggest a hard-nosed approach. Erik ten Hag needs to have a sit-down with the new overlords as soon as possible because a handbrake turn from the hands-off approach of the Glazers is incoming. Time to schmooze.
HAVE YOUR SAY! What should your team's New Year's resolution be? Comment below.
Newcastle
Take up yoga
Newcastle have been hindered by injuries of late, with Eddie Howe forced to field the same tired players over and over again. Perhaps yoga is the solution? Get Joelinton and the lads to take a step back from their relentless schedule to unwind. Go to the sauna. Do pilates. Burn some incense.
Nottingham Forest
Get Jorge Mendes on the phone
Jorge Mendes is only a phone call away for Wolves (Football Project/Youtube)Steve Cooper is gone and Nuno Espirito Santo is in. Nuno was the first client of super-duper agent Jorge Mendes and their relationship was extremely evident at Wolves, where their transfer record was broken time and again for Portuguese players. Forest certainly haven’t been shy in the transfer market since returning to the Premier League, so don’t be surprised to see some Mendes clients rock up soon.
Sheffield United
Take it back to basics
Chris Wilder is back in town and Sheffield United want to party like it’s 2019/20. The Blades finished ninth during their first season back in the big time under Wilder then – and although he’s unlikely to bring back his fabled ‘overlapping centre-backs’ ploy, they would be wise to reflect on their past successes. Hard work. Spit. Sawdust.
Tottenham
Become one with Angeball
Ange Postecoglou has instilled a new vibe at Spurs (James Gill - Danehouse/Getty Images)Ange Postecoglou has made a huge impact at Spurs where his carefree, no-nonsense persona and soft yet gravelly voice has instilled a sense of calm. Harry Kane is gone, but everything is going to be alright. To take things to the next level, Spurs must fully embrace Angeball. Put another shrimp on the BBQ, play free-flowing attacking football and don’t worry about the holes at the back.
West Ham
Continue to blow those bubbles
Every West Ham fan has sworn an oath to forever blow bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air. Their continued success under David Moyes ’ management requires them to continue elevating those bubbles, higher and higher, until their fortunes stop fading. The Europa Conference League title was the high point of 2023. With Jarrod Bowen, Lucas Paqueta and Mohammed Kudus at the forefront, more good times can be around the corner.
Wolves
Send best wishes to the PGMOL
It’s fair to say that Wolves have been quite hard done by the officials so far this season. It started with Sasa Kalajdzic getting walloped by Andre Onana in August and it has continued ever since. Gary O’Neil has tried the usual methods – moaning in post-match interviews etc – so maybe now it is time to change tack. Wishing the PGMOL’s employees a prosperous New Year could do the trick.