25 December 2023 , 18:00
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As the festive fairy lights of Christmas twinkled and sparkled, Farhana felt an overwhelming sense of sadness as she couldn't help but notice the cracks in her marriage had become glaringly apparent. The season of joy and togetherness only magnified the growing distance between her and her husband, leading her to confront the painful truth: her marriage was over. Looking back there were signs that Farhana’s marriage was on the rocks.
“The first sign was the palpable tension around spending money for Christmas celebrations,” Farhana Hussain says. “Arguments about finances are common in marriages, but when they overshadow every festive moment, it's a red flag. More subtly, my husband's growing reluctance to engage in family activities was evident - his participation, when it occurred, was distant, as if his mind and heart were elsewhere.”
Christmas is a stressful time as couple are forced to spend more time together (Getty Images)This emotional withdrawal from family life is a critical sign of disconnection in a relationship, she says. If anyone should know, it’s Farhana - after surviving her own divorce she now helps others get through the trauma as a Divorce Doula. “I guide people to rebuild their lives post-divorce, transforming a period of pain into one of growth and self-discovery,” she explains. “The journey of divorce is not just about ending a relationship; it's about beginning a new chapter with strength, resilience, and a renewed sense of self.”
There were other signs that her husband had checked out of their relationship such as spending more time alone and failing to put in effort to make the season special for their children. “The entire responsibility fell on me, signalling a withdrawal from our family unit,” Farhana adds. “It was a tough time but it led me to become a divorce doula, a role that allows me to support and empower others going through the tumultuous journey of divorce. Looking back now, I see not just the end of a marriage but the start of a journey that has allowed me to help others find their path to healing and happiness."
If life was like a Christmas movie, the festive period would be filled with joy and love - picture-perfect moments of children unwrapping their presents and loved-up couples kissing under the mistletoe. However, the reality for many people can be very different. Family fallouts and infidelity can make the festive period seem more like an episode of Eastenders or Coronation St than a feel-good movie.
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BACP accredited psychotherapist, Cate Campbell told the Mirror people often leave a relationship emotionally, long before they realise it’s over. "Being thrown together for many days at Christmas and expected to enjoy themselves is often when the cracks become obvious," she says. "They may find, for instance, that they’re no longer comfortable with their Christmas schedule and rituals and look forward to the holidays ending, finding fault with one another and bickering. Some people find themselves becoming embarrassed by their partner’s behaviour or intolerant of their jokes and remarks.."
And, although it's the thought that counts, if your partner has gone to less trouble to find a gift you'll love this year, it coud be a sign they have already checked out. If this is coupled with other worrying behavious then it might be time to rethink your relationship. Cate adds, "If your partner won’t snuggle up on the sofa with you this year, avoids the mistletoe, keeps disappearing with their phone and isn’t up for any romantic plans you have, they may well be done.”
Cate isn't the only one to highlight these worrying behaviours, psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley says its differences in expectations often leads to tension over the festive period. "Managing expectations within family dynamics, handling the financial strain of the season, and navigating the emotional weight associated with Christmas can add to the stress," she explains. "One partner might envision specific plans or traditions, while the other may have different ideas, causing potential conflicts.”
Christmas can be a stressful time for relationships (Getty Images/iStockphoto)Rather than bringing couples closer together, the holiday season's emphasis on shared experiences can magnify differences in opinion. The increased emphasis on social gatherings, festive meals and having fun can impact relationships in various ways. Increased alcohol consumption, especially in social settings, can also potentially result in conflict or disagreements between partners.
While the odd row doesn’t mean your relationship is necessarily on the rocks, constant conflict could spell disaster. Louise adds: “Unresolved issues within the relationship can cast a shadow over the festive Christmas atmosphere, potentially manifesting in repeated conflicts, particularly around the Christmas table. Disagreements over holiday plans, family dynamics, or differing expectations for the celebration can contribute to a tense atmosphere during what should be a joyous occasion.”
Emotional distancing can be a sign your relationship is on the rocks (Getty Images)One of the main signs to look out for is ‘emotional distancing’, especially during Christmas which could make you feel like you’re cohabiting rather than in a loving relationship. Showing less interest in shared activities, a lack of enthusiasm for holiday events and emotional absence even when physically together, could highlight serious cracks. “A notable decrease in physical intimacy during Christmas, including moments like kissing under the mistletoe, can be an indicator of emotional disconnection,” Louise adds.
“The festive season is traditionally associated with closeness and togetherness, making any decline in physical affection stand out. If partners find themselves less inclined to engage in intimate gestures during this time, it may suggest underlying emotional distance or challenges within the relationship that are impacting the holiday spirit. Avoidance of Christmas cheer may indicate an unwillingness to embrace festive plans, contributing to a sense of distance between partners."
Psychotherapist said there are often signs that someone could be cheating and sums up 10 common signs a breakup could be on the cards. These telltale signs coule be:
Avoidance of making any plans for the future or appearing hesitant about commitments beyond the holiday period.
Lack of engagement by showing less and less interest in your life, activities, conversations, or interests.
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Checking in with you less and less. These are all signs they are pulling away.
Decreased communication with your partner becoming less responsive in and during conversations, especially during a time when you would have expected more of a connection. So, an example might be you are talking about a stressful day at work and your partner's response might be a few words whereas before they may have been more responsive; understanding; and empathetic.
Becoming emotionally distant – your partner seems distant or emotionally withdrawn, becoming less affectionate and attentive to your needs in comparison to how they used to be.
A noticeable change in behaviour such as them being moody, easily irritable, frustrated, snappy, short-tempered could be signs of a deeper underlying issue that is bothering your partner.
Hints and clues in the form of little comments or remarks here and there indicate uncertainty about the relationship or future of that relationship.
Increased arguments and tensions – Christmas is a stressful time for many however if your partner is arguing more than usual and these arguments are becoming a frequent occurrence then this could be pointing to an underlying issue. During these arguments, they might also be making it difficult to make simple plans or arrangements by not giving you clear responses or answers.
Disrespecting you by not following traditions; rituals; or certain customs that you may follow during the holiday period – all of which they may have accommodated previously but have now become an issue.
Finally, putting minimal effort in your gift. If your partner is normally a person who puts a lot of love, thought, consideration, and effort behind picking your gifts, then all of a sudden gift you something that has minimal effort put into it. Then, this could be a sign that they have disconnected; lost interest in both you and the relationship; and don’t care enough to make you happy.