'After husband died my ex said he'd never stopped loving me and it's unbearable'

08 January 2023 , 22:43

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A woman in her 60s wonders if she is ready to move on after losing her husband (stock image) (Image: Getty Images/Westend61)

Dear Coleen, I’m a woman in my early 60s and, sadly, my husband of 10 years passed away unexpectedly two months ago.

Since then I’ve been having counselling to cope with the bereavement and, slowly, it seems to be working, although I know it’s still early days.

My dilemma is, my ex-partner contacted me to send his condolences and said he would like to meet up with me again, adding that he’d never stopped loving me.

I’m fine with him admitting to that as I also thought of him from time to time, but I feel such guilt over it now that my husband has passed away.

I think Christmas can be a sad and difficult time for people like me who’ve lost loved ones, and it hasn’t been that long since my husband passed away.

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But do you think it would be wrong to meet up with my ex now the festive break is over and it’s a new year?

I would like to see if the same feelings I had for him are still there. My husband always told me to find happiness, but the guilt I feel is unbearable.

I’d welcome your opinion on what to do – please help.

Coleen says

Firstly, I think it’s good you’re having counselling and I think you should talk this through with your therapist, too.

Of course it’s not wrong to want to move forward in your life and I’m sure it’s what your husband would want, too, but make sure you are ready.

It’s been only two months since your husband passed away and your grief is still raw.

Even if you feel strong today, next week you could be back to square one and really struggling.

That’s the thing about grief; it can catch you unawares and healing takes time.

Coleen Nolan is the Mirror's resident agony aunt

There’s nothing wrong with meeting your ex, but be careful of jumping into a relationship with him. If you do still have feelings for him, my advice is to take things very slowly.

This friendship isn’t going to magically make everything better and take away the pain of your loss, so think carefully about your expectations.

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You have nothing to feel guilty for, but the fact you’re feeling tremendous guilt suggests to me you’re not in the right place for a romantic relationship at this moment.

If your former partner is the right guy for you, he’ll understand and be patient, so be honest with him about how you’re feeling and coping.

Coleen Nolan