01 December 2023 , 10:26
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Chris Kamara says that thoughts of his friend Gary Speed helped him get through the darkest times that came with his rare neurological disorder.
Kamara revealed in March 2022 that he had apraxia, a condition which affects speech, balance, dexterity and strength. The 65-year-old left Sky Sports, where he had been a fixture on Soccer Saturday alongside Jeff Stelling for 24 years, and went through some difficult times while coming to terms with his new reality.
He has previously admitted he was in “total denial” about his situation and his initial refusal to talk to those close to him made things worse. Kamara shied away, spending lots of time with his sheep and horses near his house in Wakefield, where thoughts of Speed, who took his own life in 2011, came to the forefront of his mind.
“You know, I think a lot about Gary Speed,” he told the Daily Mail. “He had the best family and friends in the world. A close friend of mine. I don’t know why that happened, but you have to talk to people. I didn’t for far too long.”
He added: “I didn’t want to be a burden to them. I wasn’t sure if my problem was dementia and I just kept thinking in six months I won’t know my own children. I won't know my wife. They’d have to see me in a home.
Chris Kamara talks 'good and bad days' in health update after apraxia diagnosis
“The brain takes you to places that are dark. I used to escape down to the stables with the horses and just be thinking, ‘What’s going on?’ I apologise to my family and my friends now. I should have been open. My wife, amazing woman, was appalled that I ever thought they wouldn’t do everything for me. You just have to talk to people. Just do it. I have got my voice now and I want to use it to help anyone who has been in this situation.”
In an extract from his autobiography, KAMMY: My Unbelievable Life, which was published by the Mirror in October, Kamara detailed the darkest days which came as his health deteriorated. He wrote: “I’m a man who has always wanted to help, to provide, to love and nurture those around me. And now I could only see myself as a burden. A shell of the man I used to be that they would be left to look after. Seeing myself like that was like staring into an abyss. I could never reconcile that image in my head. It was unthinkable.
Gary Speed took his own life in 2011 (Michael Regan/Getty Images)“And it’s at that point I’d think, ‘They’d be better off without me.’ I thought of Gary Speed and then I thought of my own position – a man in his mid-sixties, whose best days, because of a brain condition, were gone, struggling on while becoming a weight on all around him. Whose wife and children would be left to deal with whatever I became.
“I didn’t want that for Anne and the boys. So how do you prevent it from happening? You take yourself out of the picture. There were times when I definitely thought that was a way out. If you’re stuck in a maze, with no sign of an escape route, eventually you’ll try something extreme. Especially if you have chosen to wander that maze alone.
“And that really is the key. When finally I did start to share my problems, I began to see that the future might not be so bleak. That a world could exist with me in it. Hopefully a me who was better, but nevertheless a version of me who I could live with.”
If you feel like you need to talk to someone, please don't suffer in silence. Help and support is available 24/7 - Call Samaritans free on 116 123, or email [email protected]