27 November 2023 , 13:20
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A Royal wedding shows Britain at its worst.
It is a celebration of history that papers over the worst things we've ever done. It uses pomp and ceremony to rub glitter on someone being voluntarily manacled for life to a system that we wouldn't allow dogs to endure. It actively encourages over-creation of further prisoners - like Belmarsh, but with gilt armchairs and a breeding programe.
When Meghan Markle yelled "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!", some cheered but a lot scowled, because she showed Britain at its worst. And now her biographer, the fabulously-eyebrowed Omid Scobie, has been hawking his second book by "ranting", "lashing out", and "criticising" those she left behind, including the glossy Kate Middleton.
He's done no different than every Royal biographer who has a book to sell before Christmas. And again, he's shown Britain at its worst - shooting the messenger, glossing over the message, and totally ignoring what he's not talking about. The bitter truth is that Meghan's achieved even less than Kate, despite having more freedom.
The woman with the microphone has regained her voice, but lost her audienceHow do these two women's achievements stack up? Both are mothers over 40, and both treated still like seven-year-olds pulling each other's hair in the playground, and are called Meghan and Kate rather than referred to by their job titles. Probably because we're not sure what their jobs are.
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One was rich before marriage, but now has the career trajectory of whoever-was-first-off-Strictly and far less earning potential. The other married the son of a billionaire, and owns absolutely nothing.
If they were to divorce, Meghan could demand and probably get under English law half or almost half of Harry's wealth, their house, and a certain standard of living. As Sarah Ferguson has proved with aplomb, if Kate were to split from Wills she'd get the square root of FA. The crown, the lands, the house, the children - they're all his.
Kate has fewer legal rights than any other wife in the country, bar one: Camilla. When a Royal wife splits, she suddenly finds she was merely married to someone who had a short career in the armed forces and still lives with his parents. And the in-laws as likely to share custody of the children as they are to split their winnings from Ascot.
Both women want to promote good causes, and there's not a Royal wife in history who hasn't been stuck with the same portfolio of good-deeds-and-obedient-silence. The only women who get a pass are reigning monarchs, which means that having found her freedom Meghan should be free to kick up a storm - but she hasn't. Good deeds go unnoticed, her announcements are bland word salads, and the most column inches are provided by a) a row or b) a change of hairstyle.
Kate gets more coverage of her visits, but there are thousands more words devoted to her hair or clothes than what she's actually doing. The court circular shows she's holding regular meetings about her Early Years scheme to promote child development, but it's barely reported. And when she gave a keynote speech at a national symposium on the topic, it was edited by both courtiers and politicians before she was allowed to read it.
For a woman with a full-time nanny Kate's not very hard-working, managing just six solo engagements this month. Even I've managed 31, and I don't have staff. But over time, Kate's position will mean that her list of achievements will be longer than Meghan's, and it should be that all that glossy hair-flicking raises awareness in more subtle ways.
But from now until the end of her life, Kate's weight will be watched like that of a baby at the post-natal weigh-ins. Even her menopause will be something by which the nation infantilises her - to make her a pretty little organism to which things just happen, with no agency or opinion or words about any of it. Doesn't that make you a bit sick?
Only for one of these two, it would seem (Getty Images)We could say the same about the rest of them. About Prince Andrew, a portly toddler with a bed covered in teddy bears to whom sexual misbehaviour, and even bodily fluids, are a confusing mystery. About Prince Edward, who we assume is quietly drawing on the walls which would account for the silence, or King Charles, happily re-organising mummny's handbag. And then there's William and Harry, two brothers locked in a playroom spat over who has the nicest toys.
They're all capable of much more. Royal brothers used to have wars like proper grown-ups. Princes didn't give a damn about compensating an upset servant girl, unless it would make the French look bad. Royal wives led armies, fomented rebellion, signed charters, and ran the country. Removing politics from their hands reduced the bloodshed, but without a sword to wield all these spoilt inbreds have left is inherited wealth and limited attention spans.
As a nation, we've infantilised them all. Living, breathing humans are caricatures, much like prison inmates but with more options about what to put up their bottoms. The alternative is either an elected head of state in a country that happily elected Boris Johnson, or giving back to people of limited intellect and life experience all the powers currently invested in Oliver Dowden.
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Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, and under-qualified for a job in a chip factory (Ian Vogler / Daily Mirror)There seems no better option than to treat them all like children. They seem happy puttering about, and it hurts no-one if there's acres of newsprint about How To Get Kate's Curls. But it is a great pity that we can't respect a 41-year-old woman chairing regular discussions with policy-makers like she's more than just a coat hanger, even if it is just one afternoon a week.
The main benefit of the Royal Family is that we don't have something worse. And that's what Meghan and Harry have now - no royalty, no glamour, no megawatts. What Kate has is constraints, rules, and tut-tut parenting from the public. She got the same deal as Diana but has a teeth-gritted determination to endure it, so long as she has at least three days a week to herself.
Britain, at its best, is ambition, innovation, democracy, a free and equal society. The Royal Family is banned from all of that, in case they hurt themselves and others. Being dishonest about what we demand of them, and why, is what Omid Scobie, Kate, Meghan and the rest of the country all conspire in together.
A cover-up in plain sight, that all of us know about and no-one will admit: that really is Britain at its worst.